The Challenges of Divorce

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Ambivalence and opposing realities are central to divorce decision-making.

Rational and emotional evaluations often diverge and make it harder to achieve clarity.

Turning points emerge after cycles of reconsideration.

Deciding whether to divorce or remain in a marriage is typically framed as a rational choice in couples counseling, wherein individuals are expected to evaluate their relationship, weigh advantages, disadvantages, and alternatives, and arrive at a decision. However, the reality of divorce decision-making often shows a markedly different actuality, which is based not on a discrete, linear decision, but on the process of an ongoing negotiation of opposing forces. These may manifest as coexisting realities rather than alternatives, including commitment versus withdrawal, emotional attachment versus dissatisfaction, and hope for change versus anticipation of continued distress. This iterative process of revisiting the same questions repeatedly, usually cycling through periods of doubt and reconsideration, helps explain the tendency of relationship decisions to wax, wane, and waver, reflecting the dynamic nature of relationship evaluation over time.

Steps in Deciding to Divorce or Stay

Based on my extensive experience as a couples therapist, research findings, and my own ongoing research on online (remote) couples therapy, I have outlined a few steps and considerations involved in the decision-making journey for divorce or reconciliation.

Appraising the Relationship

Individuals assess the state of their relationship, reflecting on past, present, and future aspects. They evaluate the........

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