Understanding Jealousy

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Envy isn't one emotion. It's desire plus disappointment.

When you feel envious, run a "desire double-check" first: you may be craving something you don't even want.

When desire is real but unattainable, fully feeling the disappointment is what softens envy.

“My best friend was promoted again,” he muttered, halfway through our conversation about something else.

In therapy, it’s the detours that often take us to the main point.

For over a year, Jonah had been trying to advance at his company. “It’s even more annoying because he told me he didn’t really care about the new job. It’s getting harder to pick up his calls. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. Why can’t I just be happy for him?”

“Is it true you’re not happy for him?” I pressed. “Perhaps you are happy, but your envy overshadows your happiness.”

“I don’t know. I’ve tried to practice gratitude; focus on the positive. But that didn’t work. Now I feel worse because I realize I’m both envious and ungrateful. If there’s any part of me that’s happy for him underneath all this, I can’t find it.”

“There might be a way forward,” I replied, “but I’m not sure gratitude’s the right path. Maybe we should start by looking at envy’s parts.”

He gave me a look like I misunderstood him. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do. But until I get myself promoted, I don’t think I can shake this one feeling.”

But envy isn’t one emotion. It’s two.

Understanding Envy: Two Emotions, Three Responses

Envy is challenging partly because it hides two........

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