The impulse to control our kids is intense. We love them deeply and want them to do the "right" thing.

The knee-jerk reaction to being controlled is often kids digging in their heels to maintain autonomy.

Defiance leads to pervasive power struggles and conflict; it limits the positive influence parents seek.

Stop trying to control your child; set boundaries that scaffold kids' making better choices.

As human nature would have it, the impulse to try to control our kids--to get them to make the “right” choice, to get them to do what we want them to do, or to get them to do what we think is best for them--is incredibly strong. We love them and want them to be healthy and happy.

Alas, as human nature would also have it, the knee-jerk reaction to being controlled is to resist, to stand one’s ground, to dig in one's heels to maintain autonomy. This is precisely what happens when parents try to control their kids—to get them to start doing something or to stop doing something: Kids react with a whole lot of opposition and defiance—the number-one root cause of conflict in the families who seek my services.

So how do you have a positive influence on your child, to get them through daily tasks, to teach them right from wrong, to get them to understand they can’t always have what they want when they want it, to teach them to muscle through hard things, to get them to respect and be kind to others?

Boundaries don’t involve telling anyone else what to do or trying to control them.

Boundaries don’t depend on the other person’s agreement, acceptance or cooperation. They are limits you set that you control and follow through on. That, as it turns out, makes it much more likely the other person will make a better, healthier decision.

In adult relationships we call this differentiation: It's the ability to stay........

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