We’re surrounded by messages that tell us real love should be effortless.

“If it’s meant to be, it should feel easy.”

“Don’t settle for hard. Choose yourself.”

Such pop-psychology slogans promise empowerment, but, in practice, they often leave people unprepared for the complexity of adult relationships. In my clinical work, I’ve seen how this belief alone undermines lasting connection. Many couples come in not because something has gone terribly wrong but because they’re afraid that the presence of conflict, disappointment, or emotional friction means they’re with the wrong person.

The truth? Healthy relationships and "real love" are built through the hard moments—the ones that ask us to stay present, accountable, and emotionally generous even when we feel triggered, tired, or unsure. Love doesn’t thrive in perfection. It grows through repair of mistakes and missed opportunities to connect, curiosity, and the willingness to learn alongside another person, who is as imperfect as we are.

The Myth of Easy Relationship

It’s tempting to believe that healthy relationships should feel effortless. We see it all over our streaming shows and Instagram reels: perfect couples with their cute, easy-to-solve problems. The messages scroll across beautiful scenes: “If it takes work, it isn’t love.” “Hard is a red flag.” “You deserve ease.”

The reality is very different. And that mythology sets us up for disappointment, disconnection, and often loneliness. When we expect relationships to feel good all the time, we mistake the natural discomfort of........

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