The Challenges of Infidelity

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Tolyamory is a portmanteau of "tolerate" and "polyamory," where you're resigned to your partner's infidelity.

Tolyamory is not the same as not realizing that you are being cheated on or engaging in ethical polyamory.

To get out of a tolyamorous situation, you have to build the strength and support to stand alone.

As Billie Holiday famously sang, "I'll get by as long as I have you." But should that apply to "tolyamory"? Tolyamory is a portmanteau of "tolerate" and "polyamory," where you know that your partner is being unfaithful to you—like doing the sexy time thing with others—but you basically don't do anything about it.

You could say that this is a rather Savage situation because podcaster and columnist Dan Savage has been credited with first using the term publicly in early 2024. During a podcast, he described it as “someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.” Basically, it's a put up and shut up situation where you turn a blind eye to your partner's close encounters with others of a sexual kind.

This isn't the same as what's called ethical polyamory. The "ethical" part is that both partners have agreed to allow such things. Both of you have already discussed and are OK with one or both of you having other sexual partners. No, instead think Cameron and Daphne in The White Lotus HBO TV series.

It's not the same as being fooled either. When you do the tolyamory thing, you know darn well what your partner is doing. You just choose not to do anything about it.

Why Do People Do Tolyamory?

Why might you do nothing about your partner doing other people? Well, maybe you are so in love with, so committed to, or so blinded by something about your partner that you overlook or even explain away these transgressions. You know that "chained-up little person still in love with you" line from the song I Will Survive. For example, you could find yourself explaining away a lot of things when your partner is just so darn freaking hot. You could even find yourself blaming the circumstances or even yourself, as in "Maybe my partner's cheating because I don't show enough affection."

Then there are the so-called "practical" reasons for tolyamory—such as financial, familial, or social ones. Being with your partner may give you the money, resources, fame, or clout that you desire and are worried about losing. You can see this frequently with the spouses of perpetually straying politicians, actors, musicians, business leaders, and other prominent people. Or maybe the two of you have kids and want to maintain a "stable" household for them.

You may even be afraid of what may happen should you choose to leave. You could fear being alone. Ot maybe you fear your partner seeking vengeance. You could feel particularly trapped if you feel that you are in an especially vulnerable situation, such as one where you lack the needed social support or protection, or have some kind of physical ailment. Furthermore, your partner could be convincing you that you can't stand alone—that you are nothing without him or her.

Of course, every person's situation is different. Leaving a bad relationship can be easier said than done. Plus, when you are a fully grown adult, you do have a right to stay in a tolyamorous situation if you choose to do so.

The Risks of Tolyamory

Keep in mind, though, the risks of staying in such an eyes-wide-shut situation. The other person, after all, is cheating on you. This is a betrayal of trust. And once trust is broken that way, can you really trust your partner in other ways?

The Challenges of Infidelity

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Moreover, suppressing any negative feelings that you may have about such a betrayal could be like putting a ferret in your pants. You never know what damage it may cause and how it may emerge later. After all, finding someone that you can tolerate was probably not something you dreamt about previously. And it's never good to have fear be a driver of anything, unless, of course, a bear happens to be running at you.

Additionally, don't expect sympathy from others. Again, it's one thing to be blindsided by a partner's cheating. It's something totally different to be reconciled to it. Recall the saying, "You've made your bed, now lie in it." Well, if your partner's bouncing to other beds and lying, then you've got to accept responsibility for not doing anything about it.

How to Get Out of a Tolyamorous Situation

Ultimately, you have to be true to and take care of yourself. You've got to ask yourself whether tolyamory is something that you want—something you really, really want to quote the Spice Girls. There is never a good reason for someone to cheat on you. If your partner is somehow not happy with you, then he or she could always work with you to try to fix the problem or just leave the relationship. Remember, cheating is a reflection on the person who cheated on you. And you have to then ask why you would want to be around such a person.

If you somehow feel that you cannot stand alone from the person, take steps to be more independent. Do an inventory of your strengths, resources, and opportunities. Seek emotional, social, and financial support where needed. Don't feel that you will be alone in standing alone.

Sure, you won't ever find the perfect partner. Sure, to make any relationship work, you do have to tolerate the other person's imperfections. But infidelity isn't necessarily one of them.

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