The Challenges of Divorce

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Divorce is not one ending but three different psychological separations.

Staying friends too soon can be a form of avoidance, not maturity.

Sex during separation often harms negotiation.

Children are damaged more by triangulation than by divorce itself.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

“I want us to stay friends,” Erica said, teary.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” Jeff answered coldly.

Erica didn’t understand why.

“Because you want to divorce him. That’s why,” I said gently. “Maybe one day you’ll be friends. But not now. Don’t expect that.”

Ending a marriage well is a worthy goal. A destructive divorce leaves a bitter taste. It can damage both partners’ trust in intimacy and partnership. Sometimes it makes people afraid to commit again. Often it scars children into believing marriage is a war zone, which they will replicate or avoid.

Often one partner initiates the divorce. Let’s call them the initiator. The other partner does not want it or agrees reluctantly. Let’s call them the responder. The initiator usually wants a quick and respectful process, often to reduce guilt. The responder is often hurt, angry, sometimes even vengeful. That gap creates tension between them.

Every marriage is built on three distinct bonds:

Partners. Running a home together and raising children. This requires communication, coordination, shared responsibility, and backing each other up.

Friends. Closeness, companionship, inside jokes, shared language, emotional support.

Lovers. Emotional intimacy, desire, attraction, physical connection.

When........

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