Some co-workers are nice to your face but talk badly about you behind your back.

In a calm manner, let your co-worker know you are aware of what was said.

Apologize or take ownership, where appropriate.

Backstabbing colleagues are nice to your face but very critical behind your back. These co-workers tell lies or talk badly about you when you are not there. When you are with them, they act like they are your friends. But out of sight, the phonies betray your trust, revealing some disclosure you confided about your personal life or opposing some action you have taken.

Backstabbers try to outwit you or get some measure of control over you. Maybe they misinterpreted your action. Maybe you did something that angered them, but you cannot imagine what it was.

What You Are Thinking

I find it hard to accept that John would say anything bad about me behind my back. But three people heard the same thing, so it must have really happened. I guess in an office you can’t have any close friends because the competition is so fierce. From now on I’ll keep details about my private life to myself. But how do I stop John from badmouthing me again? And what made him do it in the first place?

Your Co-Worker’s Thoughts

Claire was bragging so much about the progress her team made. She’s making the rest of us look like a bunch of lazy slackers. I am sick and tired of everyone thinking she is perfect and using her work as the standard we should all follow.

Your goal is to stop the backstabbing. If criticism made about your work is legitimate, that must be aired and resolved. If not, state what you expect—direct feedback to you.

Confront the backstabber. Simply report what you heard. Ask them to spell out specifically whatever accusations they allegedly made. Speak up firmly without showing anger or voicing any blame.

If the mistake was yours, apologize immediately. Sometimes you become a victim of a backstabber if they perceive you were insensitive to their feelings. For instance, if they believe that you meant to put them down by elevating yourself, you could have made them feel insecure, so they want to strike back at you.

Provide a graceful way out. Smile but appear firm. If backstabbers accuse you unjustly and then deny having made the reported statements, let them off the hook. Once they know you know that they have attacked your reputation and that you won’t sit still for such immature behavior, backstabbers will often back off. But if you create an emotional scene, a tip-off that they got a rise out of you, they may keep it up.

You: John, I’d appreciate you clearing up some confusion. I’ve been told that you said I did... Did you make that statement? If so, I’d really like you to explain to me…

John: Oh, that’s not really what I said…

You: Well, I’m glad to hear that what was reported to me was an exaggeration and that you didn’t intend it as criticism.

John: I really felt offended when you….

You: John, I had no idea you felt that way. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I certainly didn’t mean to imply…

If you allow backstabbing to persist, it can eventually harm your reputation. Such actions are childish and it takes your calm, no-nonsense demeanor to make the culprits behave as adults.

Copyright© 2026 Amy Cooper Hakim.

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