Why Relationships Matter

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Missing an ex is not the same as wanting a reunion.

A person's attractive qualities may differ from their suitability as a long-term partner.

Separation can intensify longing even when familiarity had diminished romantic passion.

Love and life sometimes conflict, making separation the wiser choice.

Why do we sometimes long for someone we would never choose to live with again?

Romantic and sexual intensity are often fueled by novelty and change, and they tend to fade with familiarity. Yet separation can produce a curious reversal. We may miss someone we know extremely well, even crave seeing them again, while having little desire to rebuild a lasting relationship with them. This apparent paradox stems from three factors: We idealize the past, we confuse a desirable person with a compatible partner, and love does not always fit the life we need to live.

1. We Idealize the Past

"When I look at my wife now, after 40 years of marriage, I still see the young and beautiful girl I first met." —A man

Longing for a former lover often has a utopian quality. We are drawn not only to what once existed, but also to what we wish had existed. Memory and imagination can create a version of the past that is more attractive than reality ever was.

Idealization leads us to focus on what was wonderful while overlooking what made the relationship difficult or unsustainable. Unlike a real relationship, an imagined one requires no compromises, negotiations, disappointments, or everyday frustrations. Such positive illusions are common in romantic love. We often minimize a partner's shortcomings while magnifying their virtues. In this sense, we may fall in love not only with a real person but also with our imagined version of that person. After a breakup, this tendency can become even stronger. Ironically, research suggests that excessive idealization may undermine relationship quality, contributing to lower satisfaction and greater jealousy and........

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