In early 2023, fresh off the end of a three-year relationship, I found myself re-downloading Bumble and Hinge. I wanted to find something long-term. When I’d first used the apps several years earlier, people didn’t have much information in their profiles. But much had changed: suddenly I could see people’s political views, zodiac signs and vaccination status, along with their relationship expectations. A lot had changed for me, too. I was ready to be honest about what I wanted from a relationship. I’d been to therapy and had really thought about what I was looking for in a partner. So when I created my profile, I wrote that I wanted to meet an educated, career-driven non-smoker who was open-minded and curious. I was hoping for someone who had a good relationship with their family and who wanted to start a family of their own.

At first, I was excited to be dating again. I had a lot of matches and started conversations with attractive people who seemed interested in me. I was 31 at the time and went on dates with people of all ages and professions, including a 28-year-old physiotherapist and a 43-year-old corporate lawyer. I even dated when I travelled. That summer, I took a big trip to Europe and went on coffee dates in Italy (it’s true what they say about Italian men: they’re gorgeous, flirty and easy to talk to) as well as a double date in Amsterdam with a friend. Back home in Toronto, I went on dates with people in Barrie, Prince Edward County and the Waterloo area. I even went on a virtual date with someone in upstate New York—we made dinner together on FaceTime. These dates were fun, but they didn’t lead to anything serious.

And the more time I spent on the apps, the more I began to notice patterns. It soon became clear that people weren’t engaged in our DM conversations. They’d ask right away—or after only a few messages—for my social media handle or a photo of myself. That felt transactional. Sometimes, after I’d gone on a couple of dates with someone, they’d reveal that they were actually in an open relationship. The apps give people an opportunity to include that information in their profile, so it was misleading not to be upfront about that. I was catfished more than once, by people who looked much older or very different from their profile photos. The worst part was the number of unsolicited dick pics I received, usually from men I hadn’t yet met in person. Needless to say, I blocked them—once I’d thrown my phone across the room and picked it back up.

I was disappointed by how many people just wanted to hook up rather than build a genuine........

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