Well, God bless you and keep you, my children, all the days of your life. Which are now nearly over.

By the official definition of the demographic as comprising all those born between 1981 and 1996, 2026 is the final year of millennials existing as 20-somethings. The very youngest members of a generation which got used to being lambasted for representing everything wrong with young people – entitled, lazy, full of avocado – will soon no longer be young people. If you listen closely, you can already hear the faint sound of screaming arriving on the wind.

And rightly so. I should not, of course, be saying such a thing. I should be assuring the panicking young(ish) that, contrary to what every instinct, every cell in your body, every neuron in your brain and ounce of social conditioning is telling you, life only gets better from here on out. With age comes wisdom, freedom, prosperity! Style, taste, confidence, the correct signature scent.

Utter balls. Balderdash, if we’re feeling polite. Your DNA, thinky matter, primitive urges and the outer world are all telling you one thing because it is true: the best time of your life is coming to a close. You might stretch it a few years – make it last til 32, 33 possibly – but yeah, shit gets real from pretty much now.........

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