New DHS chief Markwayne Mullin launches an investigation into the subversion of the public airwaves by PBS.

It was a Tuesday morning at the Department of Homeland Security, and the air was thick with the scent of freshly brewed coffee and high-stakes bureaucracy. Secretary-designate Markwayne Mullin, his tie pulled just a little tighter than usual, strode into the situation room, his brow furrowed with the kind of intense focus that usually precedes a legislative showdown.

“Gentlemen,” he announced, gesturing to a whiteboard filled with flowcharts that seemed to defy the laws of physics. “The investigation into the subversion of the public airwaves is now officially underway. We have reason to believe that the threat is not just foreign, but, shall we say, felt-based.”

His team exchanged glances. They were used to threats involving border security and infrastructure, but this was uncharted territory.

The Great Muppet Exodus

The target was PBS. Specifically, the high-risk, high-influence sectors of Children’s Programming. The objective: to bring the unruly, unregistered, and frankly suspicious residents of Sesame Street under the protective, albeit extremely rigid, umbrella of national security.

The operation, codenamed “Operation Cotton Candy,” had already yielded surprising, and frankly frustrating, results. Rosita, a known associate of the furry-blue menace, had seemingly anticipated the crackdown. Sources within the Department confirmed that she had “self-deported,” vanishing........

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