Losing a fight isn't so much about not getting what you want or not being proven "right" — but about the damage you do to a relationship.

All couples fight. Conflict is normal, and often healthy, in relationships. Let’s be honest, though: Everyone likes to win. And when you’re arguing about something important, losing feels especially hard.

But here’s the truth: Losing a fight with your partner isn’t about not getting your way. It’s when the relationship takes a back seat to the issue at hand. It’s when you stop seeing yourself as a team and start putting your own ego first.

You see your partner not as a collaborator, but as a competitor, and that, according to Cheryl Groskopf, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is when you really lose a fight.

“Most couples think they lose the fight at the blow-up — when someone storms off, shuts down, or says something awful. But the actual ‘loss’ happens earlier. It’s when one person’s nervous system flips from trying to connect to trying to protect,” she explained.

“It could be as subtle as someone tensing their jaw, looking away, or saying ‘whatever’ with a flat tone. But underneath that? The body’s already decided: this isn’t safe anymore. And ‘not safe’ doesn’t always mean afraid of physical harm. It means, ‘I don’t feel understood, respected, or emotionally held right now — and I don’t trust that I can keep being open without getting hurt.’”

Once that decision happens, typically, that’s when empathy shuts off, said Groskopf.

“The conversation becomes less about resolution and more about defence,” she said. “You’re not fighting to feel close — you’re fighting to feel OK. And when both people go into protection mode? They’re not relating anymore. They’re reacting. The conversation might keep going, but the connection’s already gone. That’s the moment most couples actually lose the fight — they just don’t realise it until way later.”

Bad Habits That Break Connection

Even couples with the best intentions can fall into patterns that quietly derail communication, said Groskopf. “These habits often look calm or regulated on the surface — but they’re actually self-protective moves that block real intimacy.”

Here are some of the most common ones she sees:

• Trying to sound calm when you’re actually pissed. “That kind of fake neutrality usually comes off cold, condescending, or checked out. It makes the other person feel crazy for reacting — which just escalates things.”
  
  

• Using therapy-speak as armour. “Saying things like I feel unsafe or this is a boundary when what you really........
  

  © HuffPost