You adored them as a kid – their joy, their wonder, their lopsided art projects and endless asking of “why?” But now they’re 19 and only care about TikTok, or designer shoes, or conspiracy podcasts.

Or maybe they’ve grown into someone you find unrecognisable, even unsettling.

It’s a quiet heartbreak many family members and caregivers face but rarely talk about: What do you do when a child you love grows into a teen or adult you don’t really... like anymore?

Mandy Morris, a licensed professional counsellor and EMDR clinician, said it’s “a particular kind of heartbreak I find quietly devastating: when a child you once loved deeply grows into an adult whose beliefs or behaviours you find difficult, or even impossible, to reconcile with your values,” she said.

Maybe they’re casually cruel, deeply self-absorbed, or espousing problematic ideologies. Maybe they’re just... not who you hoped they’d be. Experts say all of the above are quite common, and that it’s OK to feel grief, anger and even guilt in relation to a beloved child who is now a confusing, semi-grown human.

Ahead, here are tips for how to process those feelings, how to find the line between individuality and harmful behaviour, and how to draw boundaries that protect your peace and the possibility of reconnection in the future.

Selfish phase or a personality type?

It’s important to acknowledge that there are myriad reasons we may find ourselves disliking how a grown child is behaving at the moment. Each of those reasons falls somewhere on a wide spectrum – from disappointing to deeply deleterious. Let’s start with the former.

“When my goddaughter started going to this fancy private high school, everything changed,” said Liana*, in Tennessee. “Suddenly all she cared about was, I don’t know, absurdly expensive shoes? And we used to be super close when she was little, so now I’m like, I don’t know how to connect with her anymore. Do I just... buy her the shoes? Or is it my job to push back and call out that she’s become so superficial?”

Mary, an American who lives in Italy, said her stateside nephew’s “very obnoxious behaviours were never corrected when he was younger,” and it has led to difficulties being around him now that he’s older. As a little kid, “he could be fun and silly,” but as a teen he “doesn’t say hi... he’ll pull his hoodie around his face at the dinner table, he’ll barely utter a ‘thank you’ for gifts,” Mary explains. “Unfortunately, it’s hard not to blame the parenting.”

Therapist Sloane Previdi specialises in families navigating boundaries and conflicts, and notes that the teen tendency towards selfishness or consumerism is certainly nothing new. But it’s important to remember that “as kids grow, they develop into their own person – shaped by many things outside your influence,” Previdi said.

To the aunties and godparents wondering what, exactly, your role should be when a beloved teen tends towards the selfish or misanthropic: “Your job isn’t to fix them,” Previdi said. Rather, your job is to stay grounded in your own........

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