How to say no when it counts

Defiance is a skill, and like any other skill, we can train for it.

[Source Photo: Freepik]

BY Next Big Idea Club

Below, Dr. Sunita Sah shares five key insights from her new book, Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes.

Sah is a physician-turned-organizational psychologist. She teaches business and healthcare students at Cornell University and Cambridge University, and served as commissioner on the National Commission of Forensic Science.

Learning how to defy is important, relevant, and meaningful for anyone who wants to speak up when it matters and to do the right thing in the moment.

Listen to the audio version of this Book Bite—read by Sah herself—in the Next Big Idea app, or buy the book.

1. We’re wired to comply.

Soon after my son was born, I was frequently puzzled when well-meaning relatives would ask: Is he good? What they meant was: Does your baby sleep when you want him to? Does he stop crying when you want him to? In other words, does he do what you want him to do? Does he do what he’s told?

As someone who has spent years studying defiance, this moral equation of obedience to goodness always perplexed me. And yet, when my baby got older and became a toddler, I caught myself repeating the very equation I’ve spent my career questioning: Compliance equals good, defiance equals bad.

And that’s not an accident. From the moment we’re born, we’re trained to obey—by caregivers, teachers, peers. Compliant behavior is rewarded with dopamine. It literally shapes our neural pathways. We don’t just learn to comply. We become wired for it. And that wiring follows us into adulthood—into our workplaces, relationships, and the moments when it matters most to speak up.

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