Conflict is a natural and healthy part of our daily lives, so it can be very productive when we know how to have productive disagreements. In fact, you can argue that learning to have difficult and challenging, even confrontational conversations, with others is essential to a happy life.

However, it's extremely difficult to keep conflicts from spinning out of control into arguments. Has getting into a heated argument with your significant other, a coworker, or a child ever solved anything? Probably not. Heated arguments often lead people down the dark path of personal attacks, animosity, and getting so riled up that they stop making sense altogether.

"If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink,” organizational psychologist Adam Grant said, according to Psychology Today. “We’re at our most imaginative when we’re out of sync."

So the big question is, how do we prevent heated arguments from happening and steer them to more productive territory instead? Researchers have been on the case and may have a solution.

A group of scholars at the University of Wisconsin found that it’s essential for people to create a safe environment for discussion, and the key to doing so is to ask open-ended questions that lead to points of agreement. Specifically, the researchers say to use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel concerned,” when expressing yourself during the disagreement. It's an old therapy trick that's often used to prevent other people from feeling attacked by accusations.

However, the most effective phrase researchers identified is one that clearly directs the discussion toward agreement.

We face disagreements in every area of life. Handling them properly is harder than it seems. Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

The best way to stop an argument, they say, is with the phrase: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

There are 3 big reasons why the phrase is so effective at stopping arguments from happening. First, the phrase immediately changes the mindset of both people from the areas where they disagree to one of agreement. We are no longer arguing about why we like or don’t like pineapple on pizza. Instead, we’re focusing on the toppings we both enjoy, such as pepperoni or black olives.

This subtle shift turns the person we disagree with from enemy to collaborator.

Another big reason “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on” is such an effective phrase because it extinguishes the other person’s anger. When we search for a way to agree, we suddenly become an unappealing target for the other person’s rage.

Finally, this phase makes you the good guy in the disagreement because you are looking for a positive solution. You’ve just taken a right turn onto the high road and have become the rational party in the conversation. This tactic is especially effective when a third party, such as a boss or sibling, is involved in the disagreement and wants to see who is acting in good faith. This will encourage the person you’re having a dispute with to be more cooperative to save face.

The key is to be genuine about seeking agreement and maintain a sincere tone when presenting your approach. Once the potential fight has been quelled, you can work together to reach the best possible agreement.

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The paper provides some helpful acronyms anyone can remember during their next disagreement, in addition to the one key phrase:

6 Listening Skills to Listen Like a Therapist. 1) Minimal encouragers 2) Validation 3) Silence 4) Open/Close ended questions 5) Summaries 6) Reflection #listeningskills #activelistening #howtolisten #communicationskills #listeningiseverything #therapyskills #therapistsontiktok #therapytok

Using "I" statements also helps because we're avoiding using "you" statements. "Anyone who’s ever been in conflict with someone knows that hearing a you-statement is hearing yourself be blamed for something, identified as the problem. 'You never listen to me,' 'You’re always late,' 'Why are you so stubborn?' And even if you don’t know consciously that you're being blamed, your reflexive reaction of defensiveness tells you that you know it when you hear it," Gregg Levoy, author of "Vital Signs: The Nature and Nurture of Passion," writes in Psychology Today.

Learning how to prevent heated arguments can strengthen the relationship with the person you disagree with. Resolving a conflict together makes their relationship stronger and more enduring. So, a conflict can be a gift that you can use to skillfully bring yourself closer to someone. The key is to focus on the areas of agreement and to be sincere so you can resolve the issue together without leaving any lingering resentment.

This article originally appeared in January. It has been updated.

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