As the results are being announced for this year’s local elections, I am reminded of where I was almost exactly a year ago: standing in Carn Brea Leisure Centre in Redruth, Cornwall waiting to hear my neighbours’ verdict on me and the Conservative party.  The Count stalks my memory like I’m Mina Harker.  

To be fair, it wasn’t the worst six hours I have spent in a provincial sports hall – it ranks somewhere between a team-building five-a-side football tournament and my GCSEs – and I’m glad I didn’t take the Liz Truss option of waiting in the McDonalds across the street.  I had never been to a count, and so didn’t know how much of what we watch on election night is pure theatre.  

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I had always assumed that when the Returning Officer (RO) read out the results, it would come as a surprise, like when they announce the winner on Pop Idol.  In fact, the RO gives the results to the candidates and their agents beforehand, so they can send the tweet instanter; I have a lot more respect for the ‘brave loser’ grins of unsuccessful candidates in the background now I know they’ve been holding them for several minutes already.

Actually you know even before the Returning Officer’s huddle: you are allowed to watch them pile up the votes for each candidate, and work out who’s getting ahead.  It’s quite easy to........

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