If there is a solidarity on Earth tighter than “bored middle-aged mothers in a clothes shop”, I don’t know what it is. Whether in Primark, Urban Outfitters or H&M, the crowd is always the same: some teens are in gangs and they are having a fine old time; others, sometimes in sibling pairs, are with their mum, presumably because they have yet to find a way to detach her from her credit card. It’s like that bit in an action movie where you need a guy’s fingerprint to open a vault, so you cut off his arm, except, regrettably, in this case, they have to take the entire body.

Some of us are too hot; others are too embarrassing to be believed and have been told that multiple times between each clothes rack. But the main thing we have in common is that we........

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