Even as I pick it off the shelf, I know it will let me down. I rate the chances of it working no better than 50/50. So why do I buy it, when the dead hand of impending disappointment taps so insistently on my shoulder? I speak of something so simple, so common and so mundane that this must be the very reason we keep buying the wretched things even though at least half the time they don’t work. They’re too trivial to make a fuss about. This must change. We must fight back.

I speak of pump-action dispensers on small plastic vessels of liquid soap, hand creams and a whole range of products that, in most cases, will not end up being dispensed via the dispensers with which they are supplied.

It’s a weird ritual. Even as I take it out of my shopping bag, I feel dismay in anticipation. The pump comes in the “down” position. I must get it to spring to the “up” position so I can press it down to eject the........

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