Forgive me, RFK Jr., for I have sinned. I ate Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are one of those ‘foods’ — and they’re not really food; they’re cheesy, spicy, lab-manufactured, addictive, fatty, sodium chloride crunchies — that are so delicious yet disgusting at the same time. You eat one, then another, then a handful. Okay, I’ll stop there. Famous last words. (Subscribe to MR. RIGHT, a free weekly newsletter about modern masculinity)

Before you know it, the bag is empty, and the tips of your fingers are radioactive, Soviet-red. You feel awful. You are filled with self-loathing and regret. Out of nowhere, your body is weighed down by a........

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