Step 1: Remove consequences! Why make them work for their loot when they can simply waltz into a store, fill up a cart, and strut out like they just won “Supermarket Sweep”? Bonus points if security is legally prohibited from intervening, ensuring that the only real punishment they face is a mild cardio workout. Meanwhile, law-abiding citizens can enjoy the thrill of watching crime in real time — because let’s be honest, catching criminals on camera is practically a new Olympic sport in the Golden State.

Step 2: Punish those who dare to defend themselves! If someone breaks into your home at 2 a.m., remember: You must first assess their childhood trauma before reacting. Any attempt to protect your family could result in you being charged, while the intruder gets free housing, free meals and a heartfelt apology from your local city council. After all, it’s not their fault — they were simply redistributing your wealth! So why resist? Just leave your doors unlocked, set up a snack station, and let California’s justice system do what it does best — reward bad behavior!

And don’t even think about calling 911 too quickly! You might be asked if the intruder is simply experiencing a moment of desperation and whether they really pose a threat, or if you’re overreacting. After all, shouldn’t you consider offering them a job instead? Maybe they just need a safe space and a warm meal while they ransack your house. If you’re lucky, you might even get a heartfelt note thanking you for your generosity — right before your insurance company tells you your claim is denied for “lack of forced entry.” Tell me when I’m getting too close to the truth.

Step 3: Make sure to elect pro-criminal legislators. Having an elected official........

© Santa Clarita Valley Signal