Let's continue our look at sexual agreements. My previous post described them as “good but imperfect predictors of behavior.” Let's discuss some of the reasons why partners might misunderstand their sexual agreements and offer some ideas for resolving those misunderstandings

Studies that gather data from both partners in a couple are able to ask each of them about their sexual agreement. These studies with male couples have found that 5% to 20% of them have discrepant perceptions of their agreement (Dellucci et al., 2021; Hoff & Beougher, 2010; Mitchell, 2014; Parsons et al., 2012; Sharma et al., 2019). This typically means that one person in the couple believes they are monogamous (no sex with outside partners is happening), and the other believes that sex with outside partners is in some way permitted. Perhaps not surprisingly, when partners are not on the same page about their sexual agreement, they are also less satisfied (Mitchell et al., 2012) with their relationship and have worse communication overall (Dellucci et al., 2020).

How is it possible that two people in a couple could have such a discrepancy? Each couple has their own story. Nothing here can tell you for sure what happened for any specific couple you may know, but here are a few possibilities.

Broadly speaking, researchers distinguish between two kinds of agreements (Cain & Starks, 2024). Explicit agreements are verbally negotiated. The partners have, in some way, spoken directly about their sexual agreement or what behaviors are permitted with other partners. In contrast, implicit agreements are arrived at indirectly. Without talking about it, partners assume they have a shared understanding of what is acceptable.

There is nothing inherently wrong with implicit agreements. They are perfectly fine—when they work. The danger with implicit agreements is that it is relatively easier for partners to misunderstand one another. Implicit agreements often rely on shared norms (beliefs about how things ought to be) and signals (the meaning attached to........

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