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The attack-attack pattern begins when the withdrawer gets tired of taking the blame.

Both partners feel hurt and defensive, turning against each other instead of reaching out.

Understanding each partner’s fears helps shift from criticism to emotional honesty.

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples replace defensiveness with vulnerability and mutual comfort.

In my work as a couples therapist, I often see a distinct pattern in couples who have been together for a while. After years of engaging in a pursue/withdraw pattern (aka the anxious/avoidant attachment dance), sometimes the withdrawer starts to get sick and tired of feeling steamrolled or like they are always the problem. They start to bite back. This is how the attack-attack pattern happens in relationships.

The attack-attack pattern features a pursuer (someone who tends to present as angry in conflict) and a defensive partner who counterattacks. While the pursuer is........

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