Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

People who think back on an ex-partner with longing may be doing more than just being nostalgic.

A study of nostalgia for both current and ex-partners shows some of the dangers of dreaming about the past.

Think about past relationships not as they could have been but as they were, and your current one may improve.

It makes sense that you could, over time, develop a nostalgic fondness for an ex-partner. After all, with the passage of the months, years, or decades, what seemed like fatal flaws at the time evolve into minor obstacles that could easily have been overcome if only you stuck it out a little longer.

Beverly broke up with the partner she felt destined to marry when the arguments became more frequent and the kiss-and-make-up moments more rare. Now, 20 years later, she's happily married and generally satisfied with the way things turned out. But still her mind drifts to the what-ifs. She honestly can’t remember what all the fuss was about. All she can think about are the romantic evenings they spent having leisurely dinners by candlelight or just sitting on the couch in quiet conversation.

Time has a way of distorting the accuracy of memory for long-ago events, even for the most memorable of moments. What’s more, the factual accuracy may not jibe at all with the emotional flavor of those past events. Nostalgia has a way of making what was negative more positive and what were positive events become almost perfect in their recollection. Why, Beverly wonders, didn’t this relationship go from steady and serious to tied with a knot?

The Nature of Nostalgia for Exes

According to University of........

© Psychology Today