High emotional reactivity is a hallmark of bad relationships. When a negative feeling in one partner causes chaos or shut down in the other, emotional reactivity spirals out of control.

Once reactivity becomes habit, the initiating negative feeling may have nothing to do with the partner or the relationship. It can be a reaction to losses in politics, sports, finances, or any number of ego offenses at work. It’s often physiological: irritability from weariness, hunger, diffuse concentration, or discomfort.

Relationships with high emotional reactivity are not necessarily high in conflict. Conflict-avoidant partners tend to argue with cold shoulders instead of raised voices and pointed words.

Regardless of whether the reactivity is loud or silent, one partner is likely to be anxious, the other cynically depressed, with the only visible emotion some form of anger or indifference. They regard each other as opponents more than partners. They develop automatic defenses that activate with neither doing anything wrong. They feel a little tense when their partner comes home or simply walks into the room. Both feel powerless to improve the relationship or focus on what the other should do to improve it.

High emotional reactivity rises from a chain of resentment and tends to be degenerative. It rarely gets better on its own. Only concerted effort can effectively change habituated patterns of interaction.

When emotional reactivity is high, anything can be a measure of love and a signal of inadequacy as a partner.

“If you loved me, you would do this.”

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do this.”

Accusations in love carry the implication:

"The way you love isn’t good........

© Psychology Today