We have a choice; we can view emotional pain as a prison or as a means of transcendence.

It can feel like a prison when we misinterpret the repetitive nature of painful memories, which evolved to keep us safe in the present. If you step on a nail in bare feet, you’ll focus on healing the wound with things like bandages, antiseptics, and antibiotics. You’ll have unpleasant memories of having stepped on the nail long after the physical wound is healed. Those memories will persist until your brain is assured that you can walk safely by watching where you step.

The difference with emotional pain is that we focus on justifying the hurt, rather than healing it and preventing future injury. The tragic notion that we need to justify emotional pain underlies the following barriers to transcending it.

Shame is a painful experience of self as failing, inadequate, or unlovable. But shame is not a punishment; it’s a motivation to succeed and become competent and lovable. Shame is not to be denied or numbed with anger; it’s to be acted on for personal growth and transcendence. It motivates learning and hard work. In love relationships, the only way to feel lovable is to be compassionate, kind, or loving. When we are, shame immediately dissipates. When we justify the behaviors that cause our shame or blame them on others, emotional pain becomes a prison.

Blame is a functional........

© Psychology Today