Mistakes always carry lessons.

Instead of fueling self-criticism, people can use mistakes as free knowledge to apply to their lives.

Avoiding life's lessons may indicate a deeper issue with an underlying driver.

One of those inspirational posters you sometimes see hanging in business hallways says, “Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from making bad decisions.” The message is that mistakes contain lessons, and if you learn from them, you can eventually become not only experienced but, I would say, even wise. The implication is that if you make as many mistakes as possible, as quickly as possible, you’ll reach that state of experience and wisdom more rapidly. Living your life is a process of elimination.

But the key is how to think about and handle those mistakes to reap their benefits. Here’s how to do it right:

Acknowledge and take responsibility for your mistake.

It sounds simple, but you probably know some people who can’t do this. They’re never wrong; they’ll take credit if something goes well, but if it doesn’t, they’re quick to blame others, the situation... something. Instead, own your mistakes; it’s the responsible, adult thing to do.

Don’t use this as an opportunity to beat yourself up.

Call it a mistake, not the end of the world, or another example of how you are a screw-up. Resist any urge to fall into that rabbit hole of self-deprecation.

Assuming the lesson wasn't that you shouldn’t have tried what you did or that you’re a loser, then what is it? Think about it in terms of skills. If you did the same thing again, how should you approach it differently next time? The situation doesn’t matter; the question applies whether you’re changing the oil in your car or trying to talk with your partner about money without starting an argument.

The key is to reflect on your actions and identify the specific behaviors that caused the mistake. Maybe you didn't position the oil drip pan directly under the drain nut or tighten the oil filter enough. Or, you started the money conversation already feeling frustrated, or didn’t listen to their explanation, which led to an emotional downward spiral.

Some people say they learned the lesson, but never change their behavior. A lesson remains just an idea unless you put it into action. When it’s time to change your oil again, or you need to revisit the money conversation because the problem persists, pull out that lesson and include it in your planning.

And if you can’t or don’t, figure out why.

So you try changing the oil again, and it turns into a disaster once more—another lesson. Maybe it’s because you have zero mechanical aptitude, or honestly zero interest in car maintenance. The lesson is to let it go and pay someone else to do it.

Or, despite your best efforts, let's say the money discussion turns into WW3 again. On reflection, you realize it’s not about the money but the built-up resentment from a host of unsolved problems. The money conversation is probably just the tip of the iceberg—good to know.

Problems are often like those proverbial onions with their many layers. The lessons are not just one, but many. By examining each mistake in detail, you move closer to the core that you ultimately need to address.

Periodically, step back and take stock.

Life isn't just reacting to what gets thrown at you. You can also take a proactive approach by regularly stepping back to evaluate your life’s landscape: What kinds of problems do you keep struggling with? What can’t you do that, if you could, would make your life run more smoothly? What’s most missing from your life—in terms of knowledge, skills, emotional intelligence, or the ability to navigate relationships?

Your answers to these questions can act as a blueprint for creating action-oriented goals. This is valuable because you are becoming the engineer of your life rather than a passenger on a train, becoming a creator rather than a victim.

Mistakes are good, not bad.

This is the takeaway. Mistakes have gotten a bad rap. While they ultimately are always in the eyes of the beholder, they are never indictments of our character. Instead, mistakes are a natural part of growing and living as a human.

Learn the lessons and throw away the rest.

Taibbi, R. (2017). Boot camp therapy. New York: Norton.

© Psychology Today