For a majority of what we do, we are not aware or are emotionally driven by outdated wiring.

Taking control of our lives involves checking in with ourselves, setting boundaries, and being proactive.

Expect to feel guilt or self-criticism for breaking old patterns, but persist at behavioral change.

How are you? People probably ask you this several times a day, and if you’re like most, you likely reply with 'fine' or 'good' without thinking about it.

Research shows that such automatic responding is more common than not, with 40-70% of our day spent on routine and habit, leaving us unaware of what we're doing and feeling. And if you tend to be a people-pleaser, have AD/HD, are hypervigilant due to high anxiety or trauma, are impulsive, or self-critical, it all worsens: For many good reasons, your emotional brain is running the show and your rational brain is offline most of the time.

This unconscious way of living is very different from the mindfulness we’re capable of. If you‘re feeling too disconnected from yourself, if you’re tired of your emotions and brain running you rather than you running them, maybe it’s time to take charge. Here are six ways to help you stay connected to yourself and your life.

#1: Check in with yourself.

Checking in is taking your emotional pulse. Once an hour, ask yourself how you’re feeling on a scale from one to ten—one being completely emotionally content, and ten being out of control, overwhelmed, and near a meltdown. When you hit a three or four—your anxiety is climbing, you’re irritable, or whatever else—it’s time to act: See whether there is a lurking problem you need to address, or, if not, take steps to lower your anxiety, frustration, or anger.

Checking in helps you solve a problem before it becomes a crisis or causes you to overreact or act out. It lets you calm down before your emotions escalate and become hard to control.

Your boss asks whether you can take on a new project; your partner asks you about inviting her mother over for dinner on Saturday. If you’re a people-pleaser or you don’t do well thinking on your feet, you’re likely to go on autopilot and agree or get rattled and maybe irritable. Instead, slow it down by saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you on this later.” Make space for your rational brain to come online.

Don’t just play defense and respond; instead, take the offensive. Regularly update your boss on your workload, knowing that your partner enjoys having her mother over for dinner, proactively decide what’s best for you, and make a suggestion. By being proactive, you control the pace and timing, avoid being put on the spot, and, as an added benefit, show that you’re sensitive to their concerns.

#4: Set boundaries with yourself and others.

If working on weekends or trying to have difficult conversations late at night isn’t working for you, it’s time to set boundaries with yourself and others. Talk to your boss, your partner; be clear and direct, and suggest an option that works for you.

But because you’re going against your own grain and their expectations, also expect to feel guilty or anxious at first. Your guilt is the firing of old wiring; your anxiety stems from your imagining what their reactions will be.

Instead, try giving yourself permission to upgrade your life; push back against that critical voice if it rears up. Prepare your argument so others understand it is not about them but about you, and help them see that you are still considering their needs—that you can be more productive during the work week or avoid feeling so defensive in those late-night conversations.

And if you’ve been wired for people-pleasing, realize that regardless of how the conversation turns out, understand that one of your challenges is to learn how to tolerate others’ disapproval or disappointment, essential to you running your life instead of living theirs.

#5: Focus on wants, not shoulds.

Similarly, if you are driven by endless shoulds in your head, you are following rules set by others long ago instead of your own adult values. The key is shifting from head rules to wants—using your gut reactions as information about what you need. If you feel any wisp of desire, excitement, or simple preference, acknowledge it and then, if you can, act on it—whether that means not volunteering for that committee or taking yourself out for lunch instead of eating at your desk.

Again, it’s about setting boundaries and taking action, rather than running on default. Expect the guilt or self-scolding, but tell yourself it’s not about the committee or lunch but about rewiring your brain, and pat yourself on the back for breaking out.

#6: Learn to regulate your emotions.

If you are prone to getting angry or defensive and often see yourself as a victim, focus on managing your emotions. Your intense reactions, again stemming from old wiring, make it hard for others to listen and understand what you’re saying, often only fueling your reactivity more. By controlling your emotions, speaking from your rational, adult brain, you not only break this cycle, but also make problem-solving easier.

The themes here are clear: Increase your emotional self-awareness and recognize when your rational brain is offline. Take proactive behavioral steps to stay sensitive to others without sacrificing your own needs and wants. It’s not about personality but about having skills.

So, how are you…really?

Taibbi, R. (2018). Boot camp therapy. New York: Norton.

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