Why Relationships Matter

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Over the course of a relationship, individuals may desire more balance and power, creating conflict.

This is about differentiation—speaking up, setting boundaries, not over-reacting to their partner's emotions.

This is a sign of individual growth and an opportunity for the couple to reshape the relationship.

Tom readily admits he avoids conflict. When his partner, Ellie, has a plan—for a vacation or a house renovation—he’s apt to go along, no questions asked. Ellie admits she can be a bit of a control freak, doing much of the initiating and pressuring Tom to do what she wants because she likes being in charge and, frankly, getting her way.

But lately, this complementary pattern no longer seems to be working. Tom is tired of Ellie micromanaging him and running the show. Ellie is tired of always having to do the heavy lifting and dealing with Tom’s passivity. They are arguing a lot, especially about household chores.

By the time they decide to come see me and sit on my couch, they are both angry, butting heads, and their relationship is on the ropes. The pattern they describe is common, but the core problem isn’t really about chores. It’s about differentiation and outgrowing old........

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