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A common problem between adult children and their parents is the children continuing to feel micromanaged.

Driving this for the parents is their parental worry, their wanting to be helpful, and their own smaller life.

Rather than pushing the parents away, help them understand what you need now—give them a new role.

You’re an adult in your 20s or 30s who hasn’t lived at home for years and is living independently. While much has changed in your life, it seems that little has changed in your parents’ lives. They still treat you like you’re 10 years old: offering advice you haven’t asked for, questioning your decisions, calling or texting all the time, and then getting upset if you don’t respond within the same day—wait, make that an hour.

You feel micromanaged and intruded upon, and if you try to push back by telling them you’re just busy managing your own life, they guilt-trip you: “I’m sorry you don’t have time to talk to your father. I’m just trying to be helpful. I guess I need to just not say anything to you” (big sigh).

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This is a common struggle between older parents and their adult children. Like outdated software in a computer, your parents’ operating system hasn’t adapted to your current needs. Here are the underlying dynamics driving this:

Your parents are still parents.

Parents don’t stop being parents once their child turns 18. While their responsibilities might lessen, their emotional investment stays the same. They worry and seek reassurance that you’re doing well. And if you’re pulling away for valid developmental reasons, or simply because your life is busy and you’re no longer living at home, they can lose that sense of connection. They really don’t know how you’re doing; up goes their anxiety, and they may start bothering you with texts and calls.

And when they worry—hear snippets about job or relationship stress—they instinctively spring into action, offering advice and looking up solutions online to pass along. When you’re happy, they’re happy, and they can sleep at night—it’s old wiring.

Your parents’ lives may have become smaller.

Maybe your parents are retired, or even if not retired, are at that stage in their careers where they’re going on autopilot, coasting. Without you and a job to fill their time and heads, they have time to worry and help, or spend time with grandkids. They may have fantasies—like it or not—of building that new chapter in their lives around you.

It all feels a bit too claustrophobic.

This is about you and your side of the relationship. Their advice-filled phone calls not only give you information you would never use and make you feel like a 10-year-old, but they also leave you feeling that they’re not seeing you as a fully grown adult capable of managing your own life. What they might call being helpful, you see as intrusive, micromanaging, and suffocating. You want to be seen by them the way you see yourself, and you get frustrated because they just don’t understand.

And maybe you feel like you’ve tried to say all this and it’s gone nowhere—you’re both stuck in your own realities. Here’s what you can do instead:

Have an adult conversation about the bigger picture.

It’s easy for conversations like this to get mired in details quickly—you said, no, I didn’t—or bringing up old wounds from the past that just add fuel to the emotional fire. Instead, step back from the emotions and facts, and try to have a less emotional conversation about the state of the relationship. What do you say?

Acknowledge that you realize you’re less available. The main point is to echo what they already feel, rather than to defend your lifestyle.

Acknowledge that you understand they worry about you and that their intentions are good. Saying this counters any feelings they may have that you simply don’t understand or appreciate them.

Help them understand how you feel. Then bring up feelings of smallness, claustrophobia, or being intruded upon. The keys are talking about you, not them, and being careful about how you sound: soft and empathetic rather than defensive and angry.

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Think about giving them a heads-up or sending an email.

These state-of-the-union conversations can understandably be emotionally heavy. Putting them on the spot, even in a calm phone call, can trigger defensiveness and emotional reactions. Instead, consider letting them know in advance that you want to talk—perhaps on the weekend—especially if your last interaction with them went sour. Or send an email outlining all your concerns, then follow up with a call. The email lets you set the tone and choose your words carefully, and gives them time to process what you’re saying. Let them know in the email that you plan to follow up.

Ultimately, this is what you want to move toward: upgrading the relationship software. It’s not about getting them to stop doing what they’re doing but to do something else instead. No, you don’t need advice unless you ask for it, but you do need them to be there to simply listen. You don’t need them to take over parenting the kids, but to enjoy their company and be the curious, active grandparent you know they are. Replace, don’t eradicate.

Don’t wait for them to come at you. Instead, go on the offense. Call them before they call you; send a text to ask how they are doing. You’ll have greater control because you’re working on your schedule, not theirs, and by proactively reaching out, you’re showing them that you’re thinking about them, not continually avoiding them.

Basic psychology: People are shaped by rewards. So when they change what they do, do what you need, whatever it is, acknowledge it in a big way.

Because we naturally change over time, our relationships need to change with us in order to feel vital and important.

Ready to take on the challenge?

Taibbi, R. (2019). Doing family therapy, 4th ed. New York: Guilford.

© Psychology Today