In this interview, therapist and popular podcaster Sarah Stuteville answers essential questions about different ways of living a non-monogamous life.

Stuteville draws on distinctive expertise about contemporary non-monogamy—based on her private practice specializing in therapy with LGBTQ and non-monogamous populations, her podcast “Mistakes Were Made” about relationships, mental health, and non-monogamy, and her own non-monogamous marriage.

Robert Kraft: To begin, what practical suggestions do you have for people practicing non-monogamy, in any form?

Sarah Stuteville: All forms of non-monogamy begin with a strong commitment to honest and clear communication with yourself. This can be hard for many of us, especially in the areas of desire, sex, and intimacy. But we need to be clear about our own needs and boundaries before managing those issues with others. This includes considering the implications of hierarchical and anarchic relationships.

For non-monogamy to work, it’s crucial to set aside time specifically for checking in—whether that’s the “primary” relationship or not. When everyone chooses to take the time for potentially emotional conversations, this allows the necessary discussions of what’s working, what isn’t, and how people are feeling.

I also encourage people to find a balance in pacing—being aware of what you’re ready for, while also keeping in mind that experimenting and having fun are a big part of non-monogamy. You’re allowed to try things and see how they feel.

No two people’s paces will be the same. Polyamory will not be experienced equally, and trying to have equal experiences can push people into activities that don’t feel right. Learning to tolerate the discomfort of a partner’s new experiences and relationships serves everyone better than pushing hard........

© Psychology Today