At a presentation I attended at the start of my graduate studies, a speaker remarked, “Parents must learn to accept their children for who they are and not what they want them to be.” My first thought was, “Of course we should accept our children for who they are. How difficult a task is that?”

How naïve I was.

As I began my clinical training, I saw many children, teens, and parents in therapy. I quickly realized that parents accepting their children for who they are often posed a significant challenge, especially when children displayed behaviors that parents experienced as problematic or not aligning with their values.

This realization was reinforced tenfold when I became a father several years later. Not only did I become increasingly aware of the obstacles to accepting our children, but I also came to appreciate the importance of parental acceptance as a foundation of a child’s emotional development and well-being. Acceptance is rooted in unconditional love—caring for our children regardless of their behavior or whether their choices match our expectations.

Acceptance should not be confused with permissiveness or allowing children to do whatever they want. Acceptance does not imply that we fail to discipline our children or teach them to be responsible. Acceptance and effective discipline support each other, especially when we recognize that discipline involves teaching, not humiliation or intimidation. A goal of discipline is to create a safe and secure environment in which children develop self-discipline.

Even before the birth of their children, most parents already have dreams and expectations for them that are shaped, in part, by their own childhood experiences. Many kids, however, don’t fulfill the dreams we have for them, often triggering disappointment and frustration in their parents.

Given this situation, it is wise for parents to adopt a “goodness-of-fit” approach, a key concept in

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