Here is an IFS view on what we’re tinkering with when we engage the following two forms of consciousness, which the mind (I believe) receives rather than produces.

In a nutshell, Self-led, caretaking adults are responsible for giving children a safe, predictable, loving environment where their young parts can experience Self-energy. However, as the child matures and their brain becomes self-reflective, internal Self-to-part relationships become possible.

This second way of experiencing the Self allows it to show up gradually and take the lead. Of course, all kinds of dangers can and do interrupt this ideal process, but the thesis of IFS is that we can get it back on track.

Let’s do a little thought experiment. Imagine your protectors permit you to help a wounded young part. But rather than being overjoyed to see you, the part asks (as they often do): “Where have you been? Why did you leave me alone?”

This moment of recognition between an exiled part and the Self is golden. At the same time, it reveals a child's agonized isolation, which dwarfs theoretical questions about the Self’s role in childhood. Don’t give the part a theoretical answer.

Instead, repair. “I didn’t mean to leave you alone. I know bad things happened, and you didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. But I’m here now. Here I am! What do you need?”

In my experience, this will suffice. The part will begin to show or tell its story.

Here are some follow-on questions you may have the opportunity to ask:

“What was it like without me?”

“What was the hardest thing?”

“What else do you need me to know?”

“What can I do for you right now?”

No matter what happened in the past, you can get back on track with your parts. You may need help connecting with the wounded ones, but when the time comes don’t be surprised if they wonder where you’ve been.

References

Sweezy, M. (2023). Internal family systems therapy for shame and guilt. Guilford Press.

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