As holiday and family gatherings draw near, so does social pressure to forgive, be happy, and be “normal,” all of which can contribute to a looming feeling of anticipatory anxiety and dread, particularly in the context of ruptured family relationships. Expectations of how we’re supposed to feel and behave can activate conflict, shame, and guilt when our feelings don’t align.

On top of this, most people recognize that holding onto anger is not conducive to inner peace or healthy relationships.

Self-protective defenses, the impact of interpersonal trauma on the mind, and other psychological factors obstruct our ability and motivation to forgive. The need for protest in the form of a grudge is further fueled by mistaken assumptions about forgiveness that make it feel unjust and unsafe.

Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not about helping the person who hurt you and doesn’t have to involve them. It does not mean you’re letting them off the hook or absolving them; nor does it make what happened defensible, or mean that you will forget.

Healing releases people from the need to hold a grudge. It is about reconciling with yourself, not necessarily the person who hurt you. In fact, healing involves being psychologically separate, rather than controlled by the offending person’s views or reactions.

Forgiveness does not dictate behavior but, rather, frees people up to make deliberate decisions about how and whether to connect with the offending person, rather than be controlled by fear, shame, and guilt.

Forgiveness means letting go of anger and the need for justice or vengeance. But forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to........

© Psychology Today