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Many emotions have a flip side—fear and courage, excitement and apathy, pride and humility.

To tap into all our emotions, we can be fluid and less rigid thinkers.

Fluid thinkers tend to reason quickly; they avoid churning in catastrophe and disaster.

Like everyone, I have had my moments of great joy—marriage, the birth of babies, a child’s college graduation, the last tuition payment (hurray), and a child’s wedding. I knew I would come down from these temporary highs, yet I still feel melancholy when the high moods sink. Following the Buddhist way is hard.

I’ve also had cry-my-eyes-out moments—the deaths of loved ones, divorce, and serious illness. The suffering has been so great that, at times, I did not feel I would ever be right again. I felt an emotional pain that deadened my senses. Nothing tasted right, flowers smelled like cardboard, and the sun would never shine.

Fortunately, time does heal the pain. With every passing day, our numbed senses start to notice the little things—the smell of tea brewing or the sound of an infant crying. And finally, when time passes, the sun does poke through the dark clouds.

We all know that no one can run from life’s painful moments. Therefore, why do I still feel shock and surprise whenever there’s hardship? I realize I have to sit with what I feel, and that pain and suffering can make the joyful moments feel ever more joyful. We need to feel all of life’s emotions to live a rich life.

It helps to be a fluid and flexible thinker, one who accepts negative states as they are. Fluid thinkers are less rigid and tend to reason quickly; they problem-solve effectively, and avoid churning in catastrophe and disaster. Their thinking readily embraces emotions, from cheerful to dark, without too much angst and turmoil. My neighbor is a fluid and flexible thinker. ​​She once went to a job interview for a position she very much wanted. She called me after her appointment and seemed both sad and hopeful. Even though she did not get the job, she decided it was a teachable moment—one that helped her to do better with her next interview.

Positive and Negative Emotions Need Each Other

A balance of emotions can make a difference in every domain of life, from love to work. Take sadness and happiness, for example. We can’t feel real happiness unless we experience real sadness. How would a person know what extraordinary joy means if they fear and avoid sadness? Without experiencing both happiness and sadness, the ability to experience either emotion is limited. Many emotions have a flip side—fear and courage, excitement and apathy, pride and humility. For instance, anger can motivate us to do great things, but spiraling out of control isn’t at all useful. Being positive and hopeful when embarking on a start-up is good, but a little pessimism is useful as well, as it helps to set realistic expectations. And in our closest relationships, we might feel delight and love one minute and pain the next.

The push and pull of the relationships dear to us can be maddening. Carlin Flora, science writer and the author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, has noted that we can suffer dissonance in our close relationships. We contend with paradoxes and mixed feelings about the people we love, for example. We cherish our close family and friends, yet they make us crazy with frustration. With this dissonance, “we might also feel guilt for negative feelings about our loved ones, which adds another layer of discomfort,” she said. This dichotomy of emotions is ever-present in our relationships. We should be alert to the mind’s tendency to hamstring us. It is not designed to deal with discordance.

Perhaps seeking one emotion over the other should not be the end goal. Working towards a sense of calm and peace may be a better aim. There are some ways to do this:

Even though we cannot control what happens around us, we can regulate our emotions.

Even though we cannot control what happens around us, we can regulate our emotions.

Don't hide how we feel, especially from ourselves.

Don't hide how we feel, especially from ourselves.

Pinpoint what caused a particular emotion; this can help us understand ourselves.

Pinpoint what caused a particular emotion; this can help us understand ourselves.

Open up to all our emotional experiences; this can also help us understand ourselves.

Open up to all our emotional experiences; this can also help us understand ourselves.

Be a little Buddhist. Our emotions are impermanent, and that this too shall pass.

Be a little Buddhist. Our emotions are impermanent, and that this too shall pass.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Psychological Flexibility as a Fundamental Aspect of Health. Clinical Psychology Review. 2010 Nov. T. Kashdan.

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