Over my decades of practice, seeing thousands of people who use donor conception to have their children, I have seen a steady increase in people who want to either co‑parent or who plan to use the sperm or eggs of someone they know and plan to call that person “mom” or “dad.” While I have seen many of these beautiful arrangements work out well, many have not.

Unfortunately, it seems that we often mistake feeling good about something for “it will be good for us.” Perhaps that is why we choose donors based on their looks or personalities, even though those things are outside of our control, or clinics for their nice doctors rather than the doctors with the best statistics.

My aim is not to be overly clinical about these choices. It is important to feel good about the choices that you are making. But if we are most concerned with our child’s and family’s future health and well‑being, then we need to make practical decisions first, and then consider our preferences second. Choosing the person who will contribute half of the genetics of your future child is a big decision with long‑lasting health implications, and choosing the relationship you and your child will have with that person can also have a significant impact on your life.

That said, let’s review a few ideas to consider. This list is not exhaustive, but it can help you begin to think through this arrangement a bit........

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