One of the most problematic aspects of having a mother with borderline personality disorder is dealing with their emotional volatility. Moving in and out of poorly integrated ego states, it’s impossible to know what will trigger them to jump ship from, say, a caregiving persona to its opposite (and regressively childish) care-demanding demeanor.

It can feel as though you’re confronted with an endless parade—or masquerade—of discordant, incompatible facades. And more than anything else, what we all require in growing up is knowing what to expect from the parent we’re primarily dependent on. Typically, that parent is our mom.

Regrettably, however, it’s mostly a guessing game. Unable to predict which mother will show up next leaves you confused and anxious. Or, if you dare admit it to yourself, frustratedly duped and angry. You can’t know which maternal impersonation you need to get ready for.

Ironically, contrary to being the unlucky child of a parent (or parents) suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), borderlines are generally quite capable of feeling genuine love for their child. But it's admittedly conditional because that parent’s own unmet needs from childhood at times compels them to regard you as potentially offering them the reassurance or unconditional love, they achingly missed while growing up.

Some of the most pronounced borderline features follow. These features specifically point to the inordinate costs of having—or better, seeking to have—an intimate relationship with the person at once closest to you, yet indefinitely out of reach.

In the end, just as the BPD’s genetic endowment and environmental contingencies sabotaged their healthy development, so do their children often sabotage their non-maternal relationships because of how they felt they had to “program” themselves to fit into their own chaotically dysregulated environment.

Even after they leave home, their BPD parent has become firmly ensconced in their head. While their programming can now be safely altered, it’s become unconscious and automatic.

And it won’t change unless, as a prerequisite, they find patient, stable, and trustworthy friends. Or see a therapist who correctly identifies what they’re still saddled with and can assist them to eventually let go of it.

Here are four areas of juvenile adaptations to BPD mothers that cause children to regard themselves adversely and cast a negative spell on their personal and professional relationships later on.

Emotional Instability and Insecurity

Unable to take charge of their emotions, BPD moms could hardly be worse models for their kids. Children learn to gain control of their feelings because they’re taught how by parents who help them appreciate things from a broader, more balanced, and........

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