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Attention shapes conflict by filtering what each person notices and responds to.

Expectations and mood can colour how we interpret a partner’s words, tone, or silence.

Conflict softens when certainty gives way to curiosity, reflection, and humility.

When my client and I spoke, he and his partner had already had variations of the argument more than a dozen times. He felt criticised and always wrong; she experienced him as simmering, withdrawn, and defensive. They were both at their wits’ end—exhausted, unsure of how to navigate themselves and their relationship to a more peaceful space. Each of them was certain that they were "right" and that the problem was the other person. And importantly, in a sense, they were both right.

Neither of them was lying, gaslighting, or manipulating. Both were caring, kind, and loving, convinced of what they were saying. They were not exaggerating what they experienced internally. They had been in the same room, having the same conversation. But critically, each of them had lived and experienced a different psychological reality.

Why Do People Experience the Same Reality So Differently?

There is a meme that frequently appears on social media. “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” At an intellectual level, we can nod in agreement, but do we really consider what this actually means for us in our everyday interactions and relationships?

Our lived experience as human beings leads us to believe that we are objective observers of reality. We assume the “data” that arrives via our senses is neutral and unbiased. However, in reality, our perceptions are filtered before conscious awareness takes hold. More than a passive recording device, the brain is selecting and predicting in an attempt to keep us safe, conserve energy, and make meaning from the incoming information.

We do not see the world as a single objective reality; rather, we see a version of reality that is shaped by prior learning, beliefs, expectations, and attention.

We Notice Far Less Than We Think

In a groundbreaking experiment, psychologists Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris invited participants to watch a short video of two teams passing basketballs and to count the number of passes. During the video, a person in a gorilla suit walked through the scene, paused to beat their chest, and walked off. At the end of the video, roughly half the viewers didn’t spot the gorilla. They were so focused on counting passes that the gorilla suit intruder went by unnoticed.

For our couple, we could plausibly suggest that each of them noticed different details. Tone of voice, delay, and certain words all served to build a coherent reality from what their attention captured.

We See What We Expect to See

In 1980, Robert Kleck and Angelo Strenta ran a rather elegant deception experiment. Volunteers were told that the research was investigating how facial disfigurement might impact social interaction. A make-up artist was engaged to apply a visible scar to each person's cheek, which they could see in a mirror. Then, just before leaving to test the theory, the make-up artist told participants that some final adjustments were needed to moisturise the scar. Without their knowledge, the scars were then removed, before they were invited to engage in a conversation with a stranger. After the interaction, they reported that the strangers were tense, patronising, and distant. Participants also felt that strangers avoided eye contact and were generally less friendly.

This study demonstrates the commonly held idea of a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” The ideas and perceptions we hold impact how we perceive our interactions and the world around us.

Both these studies offer some very useful insights. We only notice what we pay attention to, which can result in missing vital pieces of information that could radically alter our view of a situation. And, sometimes the “mood” that we sense from others could actually be a reflection of our own internal expectations more than their intentions or feelings.

Why Relationships Matter

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Why Are We So Convinced We Are Right?

The experience that we have is uniquely ours. It is not “wrong.” But it would be inaccurate to say that what we are experiencing is a wholly accurate version of external events or circumstances. We believe our opinions because we see them as reflections of who we are, more than an interpretation of events influenced by our personal history.

Arguably, we are far more aware of the impact another person’s behaviour has on us than we are of the assumptions we have brought to the table in our interpretation of their behaviour.

The work of Lisa Feldman Barrett shows that our affective state (mood, body budget, prior arousal) can shape perception. This means that what we feel will impact our experience. We might perceive a partner or colleague as “hostile” partly as a reflection of our current internal state. Our attention is selective, our expectations influence interpretation, and our affective state colours our perceptions.

For our couple, a stressful day at work, a poor night’s sleep, a low mood, or even hunger will all impact how a partner is perceived in the moment. We don’t see what’s there as much as we experience a version that is influenced by our own internal state.

Something Shifts When Certainty Softens

Something really began to shift for my client when these realisations landed. He began to see that his experience and interpretations of their conversations were not an objective truth. As he reflected, he could recognise that his personal history, narratives, and expectations were setting up predictions his brain was making. These predictions impacted the way incoming information was selected, filtered, and shaped. The same was true for his partner, giving rise to radically different interpretations and resulting in conflict.

This provided an opportunity for him to try something new. He began with a pause, a reflection, a development of somatic awareness—body sensations, emotions, and feelings. This was the first step: ceasing to argue over facts or who is right and who is wrong, replacing this with a curiosity for each other’s own internal experience.

Holding a View Without Seeing It as Truth

This is where humility comes to the fore. In the context of conflict in any relationship, humility is the willingness to recognise that your experience may be real for you without being the whole and complete reality that everyone else is experiencing.

In this space, we can begin to be curious about whether we have truly seen the other person, understood their personal experience, walked in their shoes, and seen through their eyes. Or, whether, as is more likely the case, we are simply reacting to our prediction of them, our internally generated reality.

Putting Theory Into Practice

When we find ourselves in disagreement or conflict with a loved one or colleague, we would be well served to pause before reacting. Noticing, What am I expecting to see and experience here? What am I already looking for?

During conflict, we can pause and question, What would have to be true for this person and their experience for their response to make sense to them?

When the conflict or tension has dropped, we can question, What story am I constructing about what happened? What parts are objective fact, and what are interpretation or reconstruction?”

By introducing these questions, we begin to create space for openness, curiosity, and humility. They provide an opportunity to pause before rushing into certainty and give scope for greater empathy, understanding that there is a back story and accompanying internal predictions and expectations that influence everyone’s responses.

Simons, D. J., & Chabris, C. F. (1999). Gorillas in our midst: Sustained inattentional blindness for dynamic events. Perception, 28(9), 1059–1074. https://doi.org/10.1068/p281059

Kleck, R. E., & Strenta, A. (1980). Perceptions of the impact of negatively valued physical characteristics on social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 39(5), 861–873. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.39.5.861

Barrett, L. F. (2017). The theory of constructed emotion: An active inference account of interoception and categorization. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 12(1), 1–23. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsw154

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