Why Relationships Matter

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Practice being in the moment, fully present, first with yourself and then with your partner.

Pay attention, listening without judgment or planning a response.

Make time to reconnect, through talk, touch, humor or comfortable silence together

Her discomfort was immediate when I suggested that mindfulness might help to increase her self-awareness and emotional regulation and decrease the intensity of her conflicts with her long-time boyfriend.

“Oh, no,” my client, "Alysa," said. “I’m not into that New Age stuff. And my boyfriend Chad? He can’t stand all that woo-woo. He’s a real down to earth kind of guy.”

Many people, like Alysa and Chad, may resist the idea of meditating, sharing affirmations, and the like. But embracing the spirit of mindfulness in your life may be as simple as noticing – noticing your emotions without judgment or blame; being fully in the present moment, noticing sights, sounds, and sensations; seeing a beloved but imperfect partner through the lens of compassion and empathy; listening instead of planning a response.

Research has found that mindfulness can enhance romantic relationships in many ways. Acceptance of yourself and of your partner may keep you from falling into the trap of wanting your partner to change, to morph into some romantic ideal, instead of being simply himself or herself. It may mean growing self-awareness that helps you to explore how to become a more loving partner. It can mean being aware of intense feelings like anger and resentment and noticing what’s behind these and how these are and aren’t triggered by your partner.

“I was flying off the handle at my husband all the time when we were first married,” said Judy, a 54-year-old woman who married for the second time three years ago. “I had this deep anger I thought was all his fault because we’re very different people and, at close range, I find some of the ways he is different really annoying. But I decided to sit with my anger and find out what all I was mad about. And I discovered, as I thought about it, that my anger went back years to the time in my first marriage when I suffered a miscarriage during my one and only pregnancy. I was so angry about this loss that no one else seemed to take seriously. Certainly not my ex-husband. He was relieved. I was mad at all those women who had babies so easily and whose babies lived. I was mad at God for letting this happen to me. So I brought at lot of anger into my new relationship – before my poor husband ever did anything to annoy me. Since realizing that much of my anger isn't about my husband at all, I'm working on letting go of that old pain and focusing on the present. I'm calmer in conflict now and that helps both of us."

A major challenge to the ideal of being fully present for the person you love is the busyness of daily life: working, commuting, kids, social commitments and electronic distractions.

So how, with these daily realities, can you find ways to enhance your relationship using mindfulness?

Practice Being in the Moment. Try it first with yourself. Breathe deeply and focus on the moment, on what you see, hear, and smell around you, noting this without judgment. Notice what feelings come up and accept those, breathing deeply. Then try the same thing while with your partner. Notice how you’re feeling. Look at him or her, seeing small things that usually escape your notice. Relax into acceptance of what is around you and between you right now.

Pay Attention. Put away your phones and focus on each other. Really listen to what your partner is saying without defensiveness or actively planning a response. Study his or her face. Make eye contact. Let your partner know that what he or she has to say matters to you. If you have habits that inhibit communication in conflict, make a conscious effort to try something different. Hear the other person’s hurt or disappointment or anger and connect with that feeling. Express empathy or regret and look for ways you might change a habit or behavior pattern that would make a difference in your relationship.

Focus on the positive, especially gratitude. Tell each other what you appreciate about the other. The word “appreciate” may be as central to your connection as the word “love.” It may help to keep a gratitude journal, keeping the focus on the positive even when much of life feels imperfect. This can help you to remember the essential strengths of your bond through all the challenges that life can bring. Laughing together – whether over a shared comedy video or funny experience or coming up with a light-hearted take on something that, a moment ago, seemed serious — can be calming and remind you of the special bond you share. I remember a beloved long-ago boyfriend who had a gift for gentle humor during difficult times. He expressed both concern and humor to lift my spirits when I was feeling down. And once, during an argument, he suddenly did a perfect imitation of Donald Duck in meltdown mode. We both laughed and my anger fell away as we embraced. Then we proceeded to resolve our differences calmly.

Make Time for Each Other. No matter how busy your life may be, it’s important to dedicate time to each other, ideally on a daily basis. Some years ago, a friend who was in a second marriage with a blended family of six children told me that he and his wife made together time a high daily priority. “Our time is half an hour after dinner,” he said. “We take our coffee out to the patio and sit together. The kids know that this is our time and that, short of the house burning down, they’re not to disturb us for that half hour. During that time, we may talk about our day or how one of us is feeling or we might hold hands and maybe not talk much at all. This is our special time to be present with each other without the usual distractions.”

Let Touch Strengthen Your Connection. Just as my friend and his wife might have spent their dedicated half-hour holding hands while talking or sitting in easy silence, touch can help you to feel more connected. This is neither foreplay nor teasing but a loving in-the-moment connection. Hold hands. Cuddle as you talk. Or feel comfort in silence as you hold each other close.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

"On the Association Between Mindfulness and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: The Role of Partner Acceptance". Gesa Kappen, Johann C. Karremaus, William J. Burk, Asuman Buyukcon-Tetic. Mindfulness, 2018 Mar 13; 9(5): 1543-1556. DOI:10.1007/s12671-018-0902-7

"Mindfulness and the Quality of Romantic Relationships: Is It All About Well-Being?" Peter M. Foster, Open Journal of Social Sciences, Vol. 5, No 5, May 2017. DOI: 10.4236/jss.2017.55005

"Mindfulness Based Relationship Enhancement," James W. Carson, Kimberly M. Carson, Karen M. Gil, Donald H. Baucom. Behavior Therapy, Vol. 35, Issue 3, Summer 2004, pp. 471-494.

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