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"Shoulds" are a type of cognitive distortion that can lead to unhelpful self-judgment.

Using kinder language in your thoughts is more motivating than shaming yourself.

Becoming aware of your "shoulds" can aid in reframing these thoughts in more constructive ways.

It's important to notice how you talk to yourself, as there is power in the language that you use.

With that in mind, how many of these thoughts have you had?

"I shouldn't have said that."

"I should have known better."

"I should be able to handle this."

"I shouldn't feel this way."

"I should have been prepared."

"I shouldn't make mistakes."

You've likely had thoughts that contain the word should at some point in your life. The shoulds are a type of cognitive distortion (unhelpful thinking habit) that can lead to judgment. You may judge others, for example, "They shouldn't act that way," and yourself. In this post, we will focus on the shoulds you direct at yourself, though the strategies may be helpful for all cognitive distortions.

Shoulds can connect to feelings of guilt or shame.

Shoulds can come from rules that you have heard throughout your life that you've internalized. For example, "Children should be seen and not heard." Shoulds can also come from beliefs that you've created for yourself.

You may believe that if you follow certain rules, you will be successful or can prevent bad things from happening. Such thoughts may stem from you trying to find ways to make those around you happy so they will not reject you. You may believe that by pressuring yourself to act in certain ways, you will be accepted.

The pressure you place on yourself when your thoughts are littered with shoulds could make you feel like you are a failure, worthless, or unlovable. If you feel less-than, it may stop you from feeling secure in your relationships or like you are allowed to rest.

Examine and reframe the shoulds.

As influential psychologist Albert Ellis advised, "Stop shoulding on yourself." Shoulds may be common, but the roots of your thinking come from your personal experiences. It can be helpful to gather data about your should thoughts so you can identify any themes or root sources of the thoughts, while also intentionally reframing them.

Over the course of the next week, make efforts to record your should thoughts. One way to catch these thoughts is to ask yourself what you were just thinking after you feel a negative shift in your mood.

For example, after you send an email for work, you might notice that you start to feel anxious.

In that moment, ask yourself, "What was I just thinking?"

Record that thought in the notes section of your phone.

In that moment, reframe each should thought into one that feels more fair and realistic. For example, reframing the thought "I should have written a better email" to "I could have read the email another time before sending, though I think the essential information was included."

At the end of the week, look back on all of the negative thoughts to see which contain the words should or must.

Identify any themes that tie those types of thoughts together. For example, are some related to worrying about judgment from others? Are some related to criticism about your actions or inactions related to your health or relationships?

Since should tends to carry judgment, it is important to use kinder, less shaming words. Work on noticing when should is present in your thoughts and practice replacing the word with "could," "choose to," or "will."

It's rare to finish your should thoughts with adaptive strategies (for example, "I shouldn't have said that, so I will make sure to check in with the other person and apologize"). Oftentimes, your thoughts stop at "I shouldn't have said that." Be intentional to be kinder and more constructive in how you speak to yourself by motivating yourself without guilt, shame, or judgment. If we revisit the thoughts from above, consider the difference between these statements:

"I shouldn't have said that." vs. "I could have said that differently."

"I should have known better." vs. "I want to learn from this."

"I should be able to handle this." vs. "I want to feel like I can handle this."

"I shouldn't feel this way." vs. "I choose to make space for how I am feeling."

"I should have been prepared." vs. "I will prepare differently next time."

"I shouldn't make mistakes." vs. "I can recover from my mistakes."

What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

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