It’s well-established that having a sense of purpose in life is associated with health, happiness, and even longevity. The data is overwhelming. It’s no surprise that most parents want their children to develop a sense of purpose early, imagining that instilling this value system will set them up for long-term success and fulfillment.

But there’s a catch: while well-intentioned, the way most parents go about fostering purpose often backfires. Instead of guiding our children toward their own passions and joy, we can inadvertently push them down paths that are neither unique nor meaningful.

Three common parenting approaches are surprisingly unhelpful, and three approaches can genuinely support a child in finding purpose.

What Doesn’t Work

1. Talking About Purpose Too Much

If you’ve seen Fight Club, you may remember the phrase: “We don’t talk about fight club.” Replace “fight club” with “purpose,” and you’re closer to the parenting truth. Kids rarely internalize abstract ideals through lectures alone. Didactic teaching—telling children what they should value or do—is often ineffective.

A 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology reinforces this point: children learn best when parents model behavior, scaffold experiences, and follow the child’s lead, rather than simply issuing directives. In other words, purpose is caught, not taught.

2. The Carrots-and-Sticks Approach

Many parents rely on rewards or punishments to motivate........

© Psychology Today