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Letting go doesn't mean condoning or agreeing with something; it's an act of choosing acceptance.

Acceptance and letting go create a mental state that is less stressed and more open to positive emotions.

Clinging and rumination make our brains behave as if they are under threat, limiting our choices.

Ever had a hard time letting go? Maybe you're still simmering over a painful relationship ending. Or ruminating about a career disappointment. You're not alone. Many of us harbor resentments for decades. Just think about the anger we hold toward parents or people who hurt us in childhood. But holding on to events we can't change doesn't serve us.

In my practice, one of the most powerful things I help clients do is learn the art of letting go. They get to discover firsthand what monks and sages have been saying for thousands of years: Letting go is the key to emotional freedom. And now modern psychology research confirms this wisdom with findings from brain scans and clinical trials.

What 'Letting Go' Actually Means

It's important to understand what letting go actually means—otherwise the practice can feel invalidating. Letting go is not suppressing emotions, avoiding difficult thoughts, condoning behavior that hurts us, or forgetting the past. Letting go is releasing the grip that memories have on us, rather than releasing the memories themselves.

In Buddhism, this is known as non-attachment. In clinical practice, we call it experiential acceptance (practiced most directly through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Both share the idea that suffering comes not from painful experiences themselves, but from our struggle against them.

This is best illustrated by Daniel Wegner's famous "white bear study," in which participants who were asked to "think aloud" (but not to think about a white bear) mentioned a white bear about once per minute anyway. Countless studies have replicated the basic idea: What we resist, persists.

The Neuroscience of Release

Brain scans help explain what happens when we hold on versus let go. When we're mentally gripping, research shows hyperactivity in the default mode network, increased amygdala activation (our threat response), and decreased prefrontal cortex activity (our rational brain). Over time, this carves neural grooves that make this mental state easier to fall into and harder to escape.

When we practice letting go, we see decreased default mode network activity, greater activation in emotion regulation regions, and reduced cortisol production. Experientially, the difference feels like unclenching a fist you didn't know you were making. That release creates space for new emotions, new interpretations, and a greater capacity for wellbeing.

3 Types of Letting Go

Letting Go of Outcomes. In Buddhism, this is sometimes referred to as "non-attachment to results"; in psychology, it maps onto "locus of control" research. When we practice this form of letting go, we take ownership of our efforts while relinquishing control over results. The Serenity Prayer captures it precisely: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Letting Go of Outcomes. In Buddhism, this is sometimes referred to as "non-attachment to results"; in psychology, it maps onto "locus of control" research. When we practice this form of letting go, we take ownership of our efforts while relinquishing control over results. The Serenity Prayer captures it precisely: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Letting Go of Identity Stories. Buddhism calls this "anatta (non-self)"; clinically, it appears in "cognitive defusion" and "schema therapy" approaches. The idea here is that rigidly held self-narratives keep us stuck. A simple shift can help us get unstuck: from "I am anxious" (an identity) to "I am experiencing anxiety" (a temporary state). From there, we can rewrite our stories—moving from "I was hurt as a child, so I choose the wrong partners" to "I'm learning more with each relationship about what a good fit looks like for me."

Letting Go of Identity Stories. Buddhism calls this "anatta (non-self)"; clinically, it appears in "cognitive defusion" and "schema therapy" approaches. The idea here is that rigidly held self-narratives keep us stuck. A simple shift can help us get unstuck: from "I am anxious" (an identity) to "I am experiencing anxiety" (a temporary state). From there, we can rewrite our stories—moving from "I was hurt as a child, so I choose the wrong partners" to "I'm learning more with each relationship about what a good fit looks like for me."

Letting Go of Control. Buddhism frames this as "acceptance of impermanence"; psychology calls it "tolerance of uncertainty". The idea is that trying to control what can't be controlled leads to suffering. The research on helicopter parenting is instructive: Hypervigilance didn't protect children — it increased their anxiety. Clinically, exposure therapy works on exactly this principle, teaching us to face what we fear in graduated steps until fear of the uncontrollable loosens its grip.

Letting Go of Control. Buddhism frames this as "acceptance of impermanence"; psychology calls it "tolerance of uncertainty". The idea is that trying to control what can't be controlled leads to suffering. The research on helicopter parenting is instructive: Hypervigilance didn't protect children — it increased their anxiety. Clinically, exposure therapy works on exactly this principle, teaching us to face what we fear in graduated steps until fear of the uncontrollable loosens its grip.

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The Paradox That Makes It Work

Clients often worry: "Doesn't letting go mean I stop trying?" No. When we release attachment to outcomes, we do not give up on our intention to grow. And paradoxically, releasing the desperate need for things to be different often makes us more effective at changing them. For example, insomnia treatments work partly by teaching patients to accept wakefulness because we know that forcing sleep makes it impossible. Similarly, people with social anxiety whose need for approval creates awkwardness find that accepting the possibility of rejection allows them to relax into genuine connection.

If you're ready to start letting go, consider the following strategies:

Notice the Grip. When you feel resistance, ask: Where in my body am I holding on? What thoughts keep looping? Try a body scan or write them down. Sometimes just naming what we are fighting helps us stop battling.

Notice the Grip. When you feel resistance, ask: Where in my body am I holding on? What thoughts keep looping? Try a body scan or write them down. Sometimes just naming what we are fighting helps us stop battling.

Name What You Can't Control. When you are stressed or worried, make an explicit list of what's outside of your control: other people's feelings, past events, ultimate outcomes, etc. Give yourself permission to let go of worrying about these things. Consider what is within your control that you can address.

Name What You Can't Control. When you are stressed or worried, make an explicit list of what's outside of your control: other people's feelings, past events, ultimate outcomes, etc. Give yourself permission to let go of worrying about these things. Consider what is within your control that you can address.

Practice Micro-Releases Daily. Every day offers opportunities to practice letting go. Start small. For example, let plans change or release the need for an immediate reply from others. Know that these small steps build the neural pathways of acceptance.

Practice Micro-Releases Daily. Every day offers opportunities to practice letting go. Start small. For example, let plans change or release the need for an immediate reply from others. Know that these small steps build the neural pathways of acceptance.

Distinguish Acceptance from Approval. Acceptance means acknowledging reality, not endorsing it. You aren't giving up or condoning when you choose to accept and let go. Know that, from that grounded place of acceptance, we can choose our responses more clearly.

Distinguish Acceptance from Approval. Acceptance means acknowledging reality, not endorsing it. You aren't giving up or condoning when you choose to accept and let go. Know that, from that grounded place of acceptance, we can choose our responses more clearly.

Both ancient contemplatives and modern researchers have arrived at the same truth: The tight fist creates suffering; the open palm creates space. Not space for passivity, but for intentional, effective action. The question isn't whether to let go; it's whether you're ready to stop exhausting yourself holding on to what you cannot change.

© Psychology Today