As a sex and relationship therapist, when I ask if my clients are having sex, a typical response will be something like: “No, not yet. I am waiting until I am serious with someone, and until then, I am only doing oral and mutual masturbation. My reply, “That is sex!” This usually gets a response of, “Well, I meant f*cking,” which they equate to sex. Nothing else. I have to remind my clients that fellatio and cunnilingus is called “oral sex” for a reason. That is still sex.

If you ask most people what is meant by “sex,” they are going to say, “Well, that means penetration. That’s normal sex.” I hear this a lot from the gay community: “You’re not really having sex unless you’re a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom.’” Gay men have accepted this as the gold standard of sexuality. It’s one of the reasons I felt the need back in 2013 to coin the term “Sides” and for gay men who aren’t into penetration, but who still enjoy a rich sexual life without it.

However, this doesn’t only pertain to the gay community. People of all sexual orientations come into my office saying the same thing. There are many, many groups and individuals for whom penetration is either undesirable or impossible. These may include people who have had severe trauma from childhood sexual abuse, disabled persons, people who are into kink, women who experience vaginal pain during penetration, aging men who aren’t able any more to maintain an erection, those who are dealing with diseases such as prostate cancer or a........

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