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Discomfort is inevitable in the change process and may not mean anything is wrong.

Meaningful change requires distress tolerance skills.

Scaling the goal helps change stick.

I recently read a Substack article by Jud Brewer, MD, Ph.D., author of Unwinding Anxiety and The Craving Mind, about distress tolerance and the value of teaching it to our kids. One of its more salient arguments is that cell phones are eroding our ability to tolerate discomfort.

It’s a powerful idea, and one that quickly makes people…uncomfortable. But the truth is, meaningful change requires discomfort.If you want to do something hard, it will likely require feeling something hard—an uncomfortable emotion, uncertain thought, or urge you’d rather avoid. But there’s no way around it, only through it.

What is Distress Tolerance?

Before we go further, let’s review what distress tolerance is.

Distress tolerance is the perception and ability to tolerate emotional discomfort without allowing it to derail your actions (or your relationships). When we believe we can make space for challenging emotions, our behavior isn’t focused on getting rid of them.

This then opens us up to responding in ways that align with our values. When we’re distress intolerant, on the other hand, our behaviors typically become aligned with our emotions and with getting rid of the distress (which only makes it stronger).

How Can Emotional Discomfort Show Up When You Make a Change?

If you’re working to set boundaries with people, you might experience guilt, anxiety, or fear that you may be upsetting them.

If you’re working to curb your social media use, you may experience boredom, restlessness, and fears that you may be missing out or falling behind.

If you’re working to start a new exercise routine, you might experience frustration, boredom, fatigue, or self-doubt.

If you’re working to give your kids more independence, you’ll likely experience worry, guilt, possibility feelings, or irresponsibility.

To build distress tolerance, we need to expand our capacity for feeling uncomfortable.

A Simple Way to Practice Distress Tolerance

Try this: The next time you’re waiting in line or sitting in traffic and you reach for your phone… pause.

Don’t pick it up. Just sit there and feel the discomfort of waiting. At the same time, notice what shows up—restlessness? boredom? irritation? anxiety? an urge to escape?—and see how hard it is to tolerate that feeling.

This exercise may seem easy or small, but for many people, it’s surprisingly difficult. The challenge isn’t the situation; it’s the discomfort that comes with it.

Why Big Changes Often Fail

When we think of doing something hard (like making a change), we often focus only on the big, sexy goal. For example:

Completing a half-marathon

Quitting social media

Maintaining a daily meditation practice

Stopping seeking reassurance

Changing the way we parent

Not only do we bite off more than we can chew in terms of our ability, but the level of distress created is also too high.

If your goal were to run a half-marathon, would you start by running 10 miles? Probably not. It would be overwhelming and painful, and likely lead to injury or quitting altogether. A more sustainable approach would be to start with a walk-jog for a mile and build from there.

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The same principle applies to emotional and behavioral change. Your brain is not wired to seek discomfort. So if you want change to stick, you have to work with your brain, not against it. That’s where scaling comes in.

What Does It Mean to Scale the Change?

Scaling a large goal is breaking it into smaller steps based on how uncomfortable each step feels. It also allows you to clearly identify your unique starting point.

To do this, list possible steps you could take in service of your goal, then rank them on a scale from 1-10:

10 = Your ultimate goal

10 = Your ultimate goal

8-10 = Outside of your window of tolerance right now (e.g., likely to trigger overwhelming discomfort)

8-10 = Outside of your window of tolerance right now (e.g., likely to trigger overwhelming discomfort)

6-7 = Moderately challenging, but getting progressively harder to do willingly

6-7 = Moderately challenging, but getting progressively harder to do willingly

3-5 = Easier starting points to build confidence

3-5 = Easier starting points to build confidence

1-2 = Easy actions that don't move the needle

1-2 = Easy actions that don't move the needle

For example, if your goal is to reduce your time on Instagram (IG), your scale might look like:

10 = Not checking IG on your day off

10 = Not checking IG on your day off

9 = Not checking IG in the evenings (after dinner to bedtime)

9 = Not checking IG in the evenings (after dinner to bedtime)

8 = Not checking IG on a workday

8 = Not checking IG on a workday

7 = Not checking IG for 3 hours

7 = Not checking IG for 3 hours

6 = Not checking IG for 2 hours

6 = Not checking IG for 2 hours

5 = Not checking IG for an hour

5 = Not checking IG for an hour

4 = Not checking IG if you’re stuck in traffic, waiting for an appointment, see a notification, or the like

4 = Not checking IG if you’re stuck in traffic, waiting for an appointment, see a notification, or the like

3 = Not checking IG during meals if you’re alone

3 = Not checking IG during meals if you’re alone

Start with activities rated 3-5 on your scale. Once those become easier, gradually work your way up the scale.

In general, your scale will contain experiences/situations that fit the following parameters related to a specific goal:

8-10: These situations/experiences include those that, right now, you can’t imagine tolerating at all. They just feel too hard. If you engaged in them, your body would likely flood with adrenaline, and you’d be immediately outside your window of tolerance.

8-10: These situations/experiences include those that, right now, you can’t imagine tolerating at all. They just feel too hard. If you engaged in them, your body would likely flood with adrenaline, and you’d be immediately outside your window of tolerance.

6-7: These situations/experiences are harder to do without lots of resistance to feelings, but they’re not completely outside your window of tolerance.

6-7: These situations/experiences are harder to do without lots of resistance to feelings, but they’re not completely outside your window of tolerance.

3-5: These situations/experiences are low-distress and therefore great starting points for practicing an allowing mindset. 3 is easier, and 5 is more difficult. Remember your goal to make space for the discomfort as you learn to respond to it differently.

3-5: These situations/experiences are low-distress and therefore great starting points for practicing an allowing mindset. 3 is easier, and 5 is more difficult. Remember your goal to make space for the discomfort as you learn to respond to it differently.

When you scale the discomfort instead of going for the goal too quickly:

You stay inside your window of tolerance.

You avoid burnout and quitting.

You gradually retrain your brain.

You build real confidence, not forced willpower.

Each small step teaches your nervous system: “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.” That’s how change becomes sustainable, and you rewrite what you think is possible.

Distress tolerance isn’t built in big, dramatic moments. It’s built in the subtle microshifts you make all day long. It may sound easy, but in practice it’s not. The payoff, though—becoming more comfortable with discomfort—is worth it.

© Psychology Today