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Discomfort is inevitable in the change process and may not mean anything is wrong.

Meaningful change requires distress tolerance skills.

Scaling the goal helps change stick.

I recently read a Substack article by Jud Brewer, MD, Ph.D., author of Unwinding Anxiety and The Craving Mind, about distress tolerance and the value of teaching it to our kids. One of its more salient arguments is that cell phones are eroding our ability to tolerate discomfort.

It’s a powerful idea, and one that quickly makes people…uncomfortable. But the truth is, meaningful change requires discomfort.If you want to do something hard, it will likely require feeling something hard—an uncomfortable emotion, uncertain thought, or urge you’d rather avoid. But there’s no way around it, only through it.

What is Distress Tolerance?

Before we go further, let’s review what distress tolerance is.

Distress tolerance is the perception and ability to tolerate emotional discomfort without allowing it to derail your actions (or your relationships). When we believe we can make space for challenging emotions, our behavior isn’t focused on getting rid of them.

This then opens us up to responding in ways that align with our values. When we’re distress intolerant, on the other hand, our behaviors typically become aligned with our emotions and with getting rid of the distress (which only makes it stronger).

How Can Emotional Discomfort Show Up When You Make a Change?

If you’re working to set boundaries with people, you might experience guilt, anxiety, or fear that you may be upsetting them.

If you’re working to curb your social media use, you may experience boredom, restlessness, and fears that you may be missing out or falling behind.

If you’re working to start a new exercise routine, you might experience frustration, boredom, fatigue, or self-doubt.

If you’re........

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