There is a misconception in modern culture and popular advice that you must first have uncommitted sex with dating partners, to then possibly “slide” your way into a long-term relationship or marriage with them. Nevertheless, this is not how the process of attraction and relationship formation works. In fact, it runs counter to much of the social science research and underlying mating dynamics of romantic relationships.

Put simply, as I discuss in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022), there are two different paths in mating and dating—short-term and long-term. While it is technically possible to switch between them, doing so reduces the chances of achieving the goal that you are striving toward. For example, if your goal is short-term sexual satisfaction and variety, then treating dating like a long-term courtship will likely scare off partners who are only looking for an uncommitted fling. In contrast (and more to the point), if your goal is a long-term and committed relationship, then hooking up before building trust and establishing some kind of monogamous commitment can reduce the chances of it happening—and expose you to sexual exploitation from partners who have no intention of ever committing to you, too.

Despite these facts, however, misinformation persists. So, let’s take a deeper look at the research on these topics. While we’re there, we will explore why these misconceptions stubbornly persist as well!

At the heart of this issue is the notion of Sociosexual Orientation (Simpson & Gangestad, 1991), which is an individual’s mating goal for either uncommitted sex and sexual variety (Unrestricted Orientation) or for committed sex and emotional intimacy (Restricted Orientation). This orientation impacts sexual behaviors, attitudes, and desires (Penke & Asendorpf, 2008). Like other sexual orientations, it seems to be at least partially determined by genetic and biological factors too (Bailey, Kirk, Zhu, Dunne, & Martin, 2000).

So, what does this mean? In essence, not everyone is motivated to hook up. In fact,........

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