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We often avoid initiating, intensifying, and ending relationships because it feels awkward to do so.

That discomfort comes from “face threats” (risks to our self-image and the self-image of a partner).

Common threats include staying attracted and connected, without being overbearing or pressuring each other.

Fortunately, these threats can be alleviated by approaching relationship interactions more indirectly.

Dating and relationship interactions are often awkward and uncomfortable. This is especially true during essential conversations, like asking someone out, asking for more commitment, or breaking up with a romantic partner. These conversations can feel so anxious and embarrassing that people may avoid them altogether—and miss out on possible partners, committed relationships, and more fulfilling connections in the process. Furthermore, avoiding such awkwardness could be a reason why younger people are experiencing an “intimacy crisis” today.

Given that, I decided to dig into the literature to figure out why essential dating and relationship conversations were so awkward and what could be done about it. Along the way, I found a paper by Kunkel, Wilson, Olufowote, and Robson (2003) that dives into an analysis of conversations around initiating, intensifying, and ending romantic relationships. They suggest that face threats are to blame for the awkwardness, while face-saving strategies are the solutions.

Awkwardness and Face Threats

Kunkel and associates (2003) began by explaining that the awkwardness, insecurity, and embarrassment we feel in dating and relationship conversations occur because the interactions can threaten two aspects of our self and identity—what they call face. On one hand, a conversation can threaten our positive face, which is the desire to be liked and approved of by dating and relationship partners. On the other hand, it can also threaten our negative face, which is the desire to be free from constraints and protect our autonomy.

If that wasn’t enough, we also worry about insulting and threatening our dating or relationship partner’s face as well. Specifically, we don’t want to make them think we don’t like them (threat to their positive face). We also don’t want to push them into something they don’t want to do (threat to their negative face).

Therefore, during a “simple” conversation, we are already worrying about four kinds of threats. Our partner is worrying about all those threats, too. No wonder everyone feels so awkward and overwhelmed!

Face Threats in Dating and Relating

Building from that framework, Kunkel and team (2003) interviewed participants about specific face threats that they worried about when pursuing the goal of initiating, intensifying, and ending romantic relationships. They aimed to go beyond the four general categories above and identify the specific concerns that make dating and relating goals so difficult. Analyzing the responses from participants, the team identified eight specific face threats for relationship conversations:

Six Threats to One’s Own Face:

Not appearing physically attractive (positive face).

Looking overbearing or overly forward (positive face).

Seeming overly dependent (positive face).

Appearing insensitive (positive face).

Losing a desirable current relationship (negative face).

Preventing future relationships with others (negative face).

Two Threats to a Partner’s Face:

Making them seem inadequate (positive face).

Pressuring them to comply (negative face).

Thus, it appears we have eight face threats to be concerned about, instead of four (and six of them are about ourselves). Furthermore, half of the concerns are about protecting our positive face (that is, building attraction, without being overbearing, dependent, or insensitive). In fact, the overwhelming nature of those self-focused concerns is why I highlight strategies for increasing personal attractiveness in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022). It is also why I suggest reducing dating anxiety by being curious about your partner and redirecting your focus away from yourself.

The Science of Mating

Take our Are You a Good First Date?

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That approach is also supported by a second study conducted by Kunkel and team (2003), asking participants to rate the seriousness of each of the eight face threats on a 1-7 scale for each of the three crucial conversation goals (initiating, intensifying, and ending a relationship). Averaging across the three types of conversation, a desire not to pressure a partner was the biggest concern (mean = 4.07). After that, participants focused on their own attractiveness (4.06), avoiding the potential loss of the current relationship (3.87), and not being overbearing (3.50). The other four threats fell below the scale midpoint. Therefore, as you focus on the bigger picture, your concerns for both your face and your partner’s face tend to even out.

Face-Saving Strategies

How do you balance these concerns while protecting your own face and the face of your partner? Kunkel and associates (2003) found that participants utilized two main face-saving strategies. Some avoided the conversation altogether (at least, temporarily) while others proceeded by having the conversation indirectly.

In the study above, 19 percent of participants reported they would avoid such conversations to save face. Furthermore, an additional 39 percent said they would not persist in the conversation if they met with initial resistance. This choice did help them avoid the threat, but they gave up on their relationship goal in the process, too.

Thus, to save face and have the conversation, other participants decided to do so indirectly. This indirect approach was especially chosen by participants looking to initiate a relationship (something I also highlight in my book, asking someone out indirectly). In all types of conversations, however, the level of directness fell into five categories:

Avoiding the conversation.

Very Indirect: using only mild hints.

Somewhat Indirect: using strong hints.

Somewhat Direct: making a direct request after a preliminary conversation.

Very Direct: making a direct request immediately.

Essentially, such indirectness is a type of flirting and aligns with various flirting styles. It can be quite effective. Nevertheless, if you are very indirect, partners sometimes miss the hint. Fortunately, if you can build up to it through conversation, making a more direct request is often quite successful too!

Altogether, these concepts can help you understand why dating and relationships sometimes feel awkward and threatening. They can also help you save face and have the necessary conversations (perhaps indirectly) to get the relationship you want. In future posts, I will explore each type of conversation (initiating, intensifying, and ending) more thoroughly—so, keep an eye out! Until then, I hope you find dating and relating more understandable, comfortable, and successful.

© 2026 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Nicholson, J. S. (2022). Attraction Psychology: Solutions for Successful Dating and Relationships.

Kunkel, A. D., Wilson, S. R., Olufowote, J., & Robson, S. (2003). Identity implications of influence goals: Initiating, intensifying, and ending romantic relationships. Western Journal of Communication (includes Communication Reports), 67(4), 382-412.

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