The Science of Mating

Take our Are You a Good First Date?

Find a therapist near me

We often avoid initiating, intensifying, and ending relationships because it feels awkward to do so.

That discomfort comes from “face threats” (risks to our self-image and the self-image of a partner).

Common threats include staying attracted and connected, without being overbearing or pressuring each other.

Fortunately, these threats can be alleviated by approaching relationship interactions more indirectly.

Dating and relationship interactions are often awkward and uncomfortable. This is especially true during essential conversations, like asking someone out, asking for more commitment, or breaking up with a romantic partner. These conversations can feel so anxious and embarrassing that people may avoid them altogether—and miss out on possible partners, committed relationships, and more fulfilling connections in the process. Furthermore, avoiding such awkwardness could be a reason why younger people are experiencing an “intimacy crisis” today.

Given that, I decided to dig into the literature to figure out why essential dating and relationship conversations were so awkward and what could be done about it. Along the way, I found a paper by Kunkel, Wilson, Olufowote, and Robson (2003) that dives into an analysis of conversations around initiating, intensifying, and ending romantic relationships. They suggest that face threats are to blame for the awkwardness, while face-saving strategies are the solutions.

Awkwardness and Face Threats

Kunkel and associates (2003) began by explaining that the awkwardness, insecurity, and embarrassment we feel in dating and relationship conversations occur because the interactions can threaten two aspects of our self and identity—what they call face. On one hand, a conversation can threaten our positive face, which is the........

© Psychology Today