How Can I Manage My Anger?

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Being encouraged to keep your curiosity even when you feel wronged can help you gain clarity.

You can be hurt and still be missing something.

Ask for better support to get past repetitive, counterproductive venting.

You tell a friend about something hurtful your partner said. "Wow!" your "ride-or-die," loyal-to-the-end, unswervingly devoted friend exclaims. Then she adds, "That's unbelievable, you put up with way too much." "Yeah!" you say to yourself, "It sure feels great to have a friend to vent to!" And you feel relieved big time, because now someone gets it too. So, you share more personal details, and then your friend remembers a previous incident. Now, you and your friend have put together a list of everything your partner does wrong.

By the time you hang up, you feel closer to your friend and angrier at your partner. Sure, you received agreement, but did you receive help? The same pattern can follow a disagreement with a colleague, criticism from your boss, a disappointing exchange with your adult child, or an unanswered message from another friend. Someone takes your side, and suddenly your interpretation feels like an established fact.

When Support Becomes Rehearsal for Ramping Up

A caring listener can help you feel less alone. But repeatedly revisiting an offense, speculating about motives, and collecting past grievances can turn comfort into rehearsing the injury. The........

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