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Many children today aren't just anxious; they are being trained to overthink.

Kids need to take sensible risks with actions, fail at times, and then prevail.

The PACE model changes kids' relationship with anxiety-ridden thoughts.

My mom always encouraged me during my youth to think about time and place. She would say, "Jeff, make sure you pick the right time and place for what you say and do." Similarly, I have heard parents encourage their kids to "read the room." No doubt, in moderation, this is great advice. Thank you, Mom.

In this high-visibility, judgment-laden age, however, where the stakes of managing our impressions and engaging others "properly" are higher than ever due to social-media-driven scrutiny and aggression, and a more ferocious, nasty court of public opinion, parents tell kids to be even more mindful, self-aware, reflective, and careful. But then these parents scratch their heads, wondering why their kids can't power down their racing thoughts.

The Truth You Don't Want to Hear

Many children today aren't just anxious. They are being trained by their parents to overthink. The kid who double-checks everything is "conscientious." The one who worries over outcomes is "motivated." Similarly, the teen who can't relax about the future is "driven."

For example, the words, "What if my friends are just pretending they like me?" were recently uttered by a 5th-grade counseling client of mine. The mom said, "I keep telling him he has nothing to be worried about." Because our human brains are wired to be on the lookout for danger, these goal-oriented kids, like this young man, are actually getting stuck in maddening threat-detection loops. Parents who blindly reassure without helping kids face the likely uncertainties of disappointments and setbacks are fueling these worry loops.

Kids Frozen Stuck by Running Mental Simulations

In my work with children, teens, and adult children, I see a concerning, easy-to-miss pattern that led me to write my recent book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking. What I see is big-time, overthinking-driven anxiety that hides behind high grades, polite behavior, and high empathy. On the outside, these kids look great. But inwardly, their thoughts are riddled with: "What if I mess up?" "What if they think I am weird?" "What if I made the wrong choice?" "What if I can't do it?"

How do I know this? Because my counseling sessions are filled with children and teens stuck in those nasty "What if?" thought loops. And over time, these pressurized thoughts stop acting as tools for achievement and feel like a cage trapping these young people in a relentless pursuit of certainty in a world full of uncertainty.

Parents, I Implore You to Hear This

Please stop overly reassuring (and unwittingly fueling their overthinking) your child, teen, or adult child. The more your child uses overthinking to try to feel in control, the less they feel capable in real life. Confidence comes from trial-and-error learning.

Yes, by that I mean making mistakes. If you don't believe me, know that after 35 years as a psychologist and eight books, I still get anxious writing posts like the one you are reading. Uncertainty is scary, but being frozen in our tracks by overthinking is even scarier. Confidence is built through action, risk, and recovery, not through endless loops of mental rehearsal.

Changing Your Child's Relationship With What-Ifs

We need to shift from helping our kids analyze their worries to changing their relationship with their problematic, looping, anxiety-laden thoughts. That's where my PACE model comes in, which is further described in my book. Here is a brief recap of this helpful tool that helps you to re-regulate your child's racing thoughts and heightened anxiety.

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Pause the mental spinning. Gently say to your child, "Let's take a breath for a moment" or "How about you tell me about something funny that happened at school this week?"

Acknowledge their overthinking. You could say. "That worry sounds really huge," or "I can see this is really upsetting to you." The more you help your child name it, the more they feel they can tame it because they feel less alone in it.

Contain by reminding your child that it is okay to have uncertainty. You might say, "It's great that you want to do well on this assignment, but would you agree that this alone will not make or break how the rest of your life turns out?"

Engage by encouraging your child, teen, or adult child to take one concrete step forward if they feel frozen in their tracks. You might say, "What can you do right now that feels challenging but not impossible?"

Our mentally exhausted, overthinking kids are not becoming confident adults because they are becoming dependent on certainty. The goal is not to get our kids to worry less by reassuring them. It is to promote them taking sensible risks through actions that lead to a life of moving forward, failing at times, prevailing, and navigating further obstacles and setbacks.

© Psychology Today