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Parents of struggling adult children struggle between between being supportive and being honest.

When adult children are struggling, they need acceptance more than praise.

The sense of emotional safety that you create allows for positive communication.

Parents of struggling adult children confide in me that they struggle to find the right balance between being supportive and being honest. You don't want to be a nag. You know, lectures don't get you anywhere. But when your adult son or daughter has been struggling or even stuck for a while, it can be hard not to react when you finally see progress. And that is when parents often say four words that may sound encouraging, but actually often create distance.

"That's More Like It"

On the surface, these four words, "That's more like it," sound harmless. In fact, the catalyst for this post came from one of my well-meaning parent coaching clients who said, "I don't get it. I was trying to show my daughter approval. I was trying to sound encouraging that she was now moving in the right direction." But unfortunately for that father, those four words, "That's more like it," meant to draw his daughter closer to him, pushed them further apart.

This client's daughter really let him have it. She said, "You're not being supportive by telling me that I was doing so badly before. Why can't you just tell me you're happy I got a job and leave it at that--without all the judgment, Dad?"

Overthinking Leaves Adult Children More Emotionally Vulnerable.

To this Dad's credit, he soon saw the light when he realized how he had come off as judgmental toward his daughter. In my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, I discuss how kids of all ages, including grown ones, get stuck in worry loops of constant self-doubt, fear of failure, and concerns about disappointing others. I describe how pressure, even when it feels well-intentioned, can make these racing "What If" thoughts feel louder rather than quieter. When praise feels conditional, it can trigger the same self-doubt and worry loops.

What Helps More Than Approval

When adult children are struggling, they need acceptance more than praise. Instead of saying some version of "That's more like it," try saying something that sounds more like acceptance. One parent I coached found it helpful to reflect to her adult son, "I know this has not been easy for you."

A very coachable mom I worked with marveled at how much her daughter opened up when she said, "I'm glad you are talking to me about this." Other parents have found it helpful when they say, "I respect the effort you are making," or "I'm on your side, no matter how long this takes."

Statements like these lower defensiveness and make it easier for your adult child to stay engaged. And that sense of emotional safety that you create is what allows positive communication changes to happen.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

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