For children in foster care, safety is only part of healing. Many carry an invisible burden of shame that comes from being separated from their families of origin. Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame whispers “I am bad.” Over time, this whisper weaves into identity, so that making a mistake feels like proof of worthlessness rather than an opportunity to learn.

Separation trauma leaves foster youth especially vulnerable to internalizing blame for circumstances beyond their control. Many come to believe they were removed because they were unlovable, unworthy, or defective. They believe it’s their fault, and because children are egocentric, they believe they were responsible for their family separation. This toxic narrative hardens into a harsh inner voice that sabotages relationships, learning, and self-esteem.

A child I worked with struggled with shame. Here is his story and a treatment approach.

T.J., an 8-year-old African American boy, had........

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