Why Relationships Matter

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Conflicts offer an opportunity to understand other perspectives.

Conflicts can help us clarify our limitations, values, and needs.

Viewing conflicts as opportunities can soften our negative response to them.

During a psychotherapy session, a single mother, whom I’ll call Deb, lamented that her 3-year-old daughter had been screaming and throwing fits every time she had to wash her hands. Deb found the lead-up to dinner each day a horrific power struggle when her daughter kicked, screamed, and cried when her mother led her to the sink to wash her hands.

“This nightly power struggle is going to break me,” Deb said. “I have no idea why she suddenly finds handwashing so awful.”

“Did you ask her what upsets her so much about handwashing?” I asked.

“No, I just tried telling her how it kills germs, it’s important to keep her from getting sick, it’s good manners; nothing seems to work,” Deb said.

I suggested to Deb that this conflict with her child was an opportunity to better understand her daughter’s distress. “Maybe try a different approach and see if it works. Maybe this evening, don’t take her to wash her hands. Instead, sit with her and talk a bit. Then tell her you’d like to know what upsets her about handwashing. Make it your goal to understand why she’s upset, rather than force her to wash her hands,” I said.

Deb felt desperate and agreed to try that approach. At our next session, Deb smiled and said, “You won’t believe what happened! I did what you said, and my........

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